Choosing It or Changing It

Last week I was in session with a client, when I got my mind blown. The client said to me “if you are not changing it, you are choosing it.” (WOW!) That caused me to pause. The client even checked to see if I was still on the line because it was a phone session. Good thing, too because I was left with my mouth wide open while I processed this simple statement.

If you are not changing it, you are choosing it.

That prompted me to evaluate all the things.

So what in my life am I passively choosing by refusing to change?

I first eliminated the occurrences in my life I have no control over (i.e. the guy driving like an asshole in front of me, the US Supreme Court, my daughters’ mouths, etc).

Once those were pushed to the side I began to really assess what I was choosing. This led me to my laundry list of (actual laundry included) of complaints

I’m tired ALL the time.

I am overwhelmed with ALL the things.

I don’t have time to do ALL the things.

I hate ALL the laundry.

You get the idea.

Then my oppositional tendencies kicked in…how am I choosing to be tired all the time? I want rest, but I don’t have enough time to rest because I am overwhelmed with all the things I have to do and laundry continues to pile up! Could I have meditated and not binged watched the rest of Cheer last night and gone to sleep at a decent hour – sure but what is ONE night gonna do?

It’s the ONE nights that really get me! Because one night of Netflix drama leads me to one bowl of ice cream, that leads me to racing thoughts preventing me from sleep, that leads me to hitting snooze one-too-many-times, that leads me to being late for work that leads me to being behind and overwhelmed all day, that leads me right back to another bowl of ice cream in my bed watching Vampire Diaries reruns thinking about all the things I didn’t get done that day and then back to…(I’m sure you can guess from here).

One night. One choice. One change. It DOES matter.

Let’s take that same day full overwhelm, cheer-filled dreams and ice cream after oversleeping…what if I came home and exercised instead? Or journaled about my frustrating day? Or meditated to let go of my overwhelm? Not all of these, just ONE. Then tomorrow maybe I add going to bed earlier without the TV on or maybe I simply repeat the choice from the previous day.

That is choosing change.

That is doing something different instead of the same thing expecting a different result (you know, the definition of insanity?!)

Recently, I’ve been crawling out of a rough patch, of my own creation. I did not jump down in the dark abyss of self-loathing and despair, I slid down one small choice at a time. Each choice coated in the lie of “it’s just ONE day/time/bowl/glass”. The “ones” became comfortable and I soaked in the darkness while I convinced myself this is where I deserved to be. I pushed away those closest to me. I closed myself off and used “I’m fine & you?” as a defense from any attempt of concern. It is really difficult to look at yourself in the dark, so I did not. I kept quiet and stayed comfortable there.

 The outside world of consequences wouldn’t let me stay in the dark. The effects of my behavior started slowly and softly tapping me on the shoulder. This turned into shaking my shoulders with the force of two hands and eventually holding a mirror in front of me, forcing me to look at myself and the comfort zone I created. I wasn’t proud of what I saw in my reflection. I wasn’t really comfortable. I was hiding. However, when I looked up from my deep, dark abyss I couldn’t see a way out. I was so far down. I’m not freaking Wonder Woman and I can’t lasso my way out of here.

I was tired.

I was overwhelmed.

And I still had a lot of freaking laundry. But I wasn’t alone. I had only chosen to be for awhile.

I made a choice. I talked to my husband, who still loved and accepted me. Then, I talked to my friend. Then another friend. I didn’t make a big, blanket announcement that I was struggling, I was honest with the people I love and trusted. The same people I had pushed away with the lie of “I’m fine”. They still loved and accepted me.

With each person in my circle I reached out to, I began my climb out. I’m still building the ladder and figuring out what choice comes next, but I am uncomfortable, so I know I am still climbing in the right direction. Comfort is no place for me to take up permanent residence.

Climbing out is much more difficult than the slide in, but it is still ONE call/text/honest conversation at a time. I began to clean up my mess with one healthy choice after another. There isn’t enough super power in the world for me perform a complete overhaul, but I can make a MASSIVE change with one choice at a time.

This was not my first visit to the deep, dark abyss. It’s super easy to get there, so I’ve made the trip before and more than likely will do it again. However, I do not have to stay as long because with each trip down I learn something about myself that helps me make that first choice to find my way out the next time.

My choices and my darkness may sound and look different from yours, but our answer is the same – One at a time.

Breakthrough 2022

2022 or 2020-TOO?

Don’t we all love a do-over?

A be kind and rewind?

The benefits of hindsight?

Well, 2020 was not a year I would like to relive for many obvious reasons, however it was a year full of lessons learned I would like to implement as I move into 2022.

Lately, I have caught myself pausing to pinpoint where in time a memory came from. The last two years have been a bit of a blur and I honestly struggle remembering if something occurred in 2020 or 2021. It is much easier to categorize events in “pre” and “post” pandemic columns.

What I don’t have trouble acknowledging is the massive shift in what life looks like today compared to January 2020.

I preach often about the power of gratitude – how gratitude has an abundant amount of power in shifting our mindset and changing how we see the world.

Granted, identifying and acknowledging gratitude is much more difficult when your ass is on fire rather than when you are practicing mindfulness on beach with a drink in your hand.

That brings me to what I call “Do-Over-Hindsight-Rewind Lessons”, a 2020-TOO, if you will.

Do-Over-Hindsight-Rewind lesson #1: Seek out gratitude and cling to it for survival.

A wise woman (whom I’ve written about before) showed me the importance of being grateful for the basics. She let me cry and whine and bitch and moan about the things I wanted and the reasons I had been wronged. Then she challenged me to seek out the gratitude I was missing to change my mindset from “why me” to “why not me”.

Breath in my lungs. A roof over my head. Lights in my home. Someone to say they love me. These simple gifts are often overlooked when heavy chaos rains down, however their value is nonetheless.

So many people died over the last two years.

So many more people lost someone they love.

A massive amount of people lost their jobs, their homes and their light.

There is always going to be someone praying and wishing and manifesting what you have right now. When I remember this, gratitude is NOT that difficult to find and even more essential to cling to.

Do-Over-Hindsight-Rewind lesson #2: My validation does not require your understanding.

I’ve heard people say politics and religion are not worth discussing. I completely disagree. Sharing ideas is how we learn and evolve. However, preaching your ideas and force-feeding them down an unwanted throat is not sharing and further more it’s arrogant and wrong.

Learning from each other is how we become better humans. Finding our path of co-existence rather than polarizing categorizes of “us” and “them” makes us all better. I am as guilty as the next person for arguing politics and religious views, leaving the conversation thinking the other person is so far off base it’s a wonder they can function in their daily life. (No? Just me that does this? Hum…doubtful).

Just because I do not agree with or understand where someone is coming from or why they believe a certain way does not negate their view. Their belief does not require my understanding to be valid (no matter how wrong I believe it is).

Over the last two years we have all hopped on our high horses and locked ourselves in our ivory towers for so long we forgot that there is another way. We have the ability to listen for the sake of listening and not waiting for someone to catch their breath so we can interject. We’ve turned a difference of opinion into hatred of groups of people we don’t understand.

We are more comfortable with seeking out blame rather than truth.

Can our non-negotiables in life be limited to truth, inclusivity and independence?

Do-Over-Hindsight-Rewind lesson #3: Productivity is in the eye of the beholder.

What was your pandemic project?

Did you get in the best shape of your life? (Nope)

Did you reinvent yourself and change careers? (Nope)

Did you find a new passion for cooking and now your family eats the best it ever has? (Hell No – I still hate cooking!).

Did you survive the lockdown, bounce back and forth with your weight, find new ways not to cook every day, continue your love-hate relationship with work and become a binge-watching expert? (Yep – that’s me!)

Productivity is a nasty, powerful word that inflicts self-loathing tendencies. It is also a moving target. Productivity equates to “they” from “you know what they say”.  I don’t know about you, but no I do not know what “they” nor do I give a damn and who the hell are “they” anyway?

Productivity is this moving target set by “they” to measure if you are good enough. Good enough for what you ask? Good enough compared to who? I have no idea, but a discussion of how productive I am leaves me feeling similar to getting on the scale –never the correct number, less-than and full of self-doubt.

My point is, I can be productive by just showing up may be all I have in me some days. Getting up, showering and tending to the littles (aka my daughters) is a full day, but rarely do I accept this as productive. I am happy to do so for anyone else, but I hold myself to the most unrealistic expectations.

I spent far too much time watching how bad-ass other people were during lockdown, giving myself unproductive lashes for not living up to an unrealistic expectation of myself that I do not know the origin of.

So on the 4th day of 2022, can we catch our breath, find some gratitude, open our minds and give ourselves permission to breakout out of the pressures that a new year brings. Can we learn the lessons of the struggle that the last two years brought, because we do not get a “do-over” but maybe we can get a “do-better” year.

Happy New Year, Friends!

Peace & Love,

Steph

What’s in your cup?

I love this analogy!

You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee?

“Because someone bumped into me!!!”

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup.

Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.

Whatever is inside the cup is what will spill out.

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you (which WILL happen), whatever is inside you will come out. It’s easy to fake it, until you get rattled.

So we have to ask ourselves… “what’s in my cup?”

When life gets tough, what spills over?

Joy, gratefulness, peace and humility?

Anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions?

Life provides the cup, YOU choose how to fill it.

Today let’s work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation; and kindness, gentleness and love for others.

(Shared from Heart of a Lioness)

When Today is Tough

Within a tick of the clock, this became a day of dread instead of celebration in my family.

A day to remind me of my father-less status. A day to miss him even more than the rest of the 364 days on the calendar.

A day to miss all the times I never got with a man I thought would live forever.

It’s a devastatingly lonely place to be.

Father’s Day became a day of celebration minus the man of honor. It was status quo for my family, while everyone around us had a holiday.

Then I got tired of being sad and missing out on celebrating. I found some gratitude and decided to celebrate while we honored my dad even without him present.

We celebrated my mother, who had to be both mom and dad after he was gone. There are never enough days to celebrate her and her amazingness, so we started by adding Father’s Day to the list.

Then, we met my step-father who deserves our celebration and gratitude for his wonderful part in our family. A man who honors the void that was left in our hearts, never trying to fill it.

Eventually, I got to celebrate the father of my daughters who gives selflessly to our family and loves us with all that he is. I found a new level of gratitude for a man I share my life with and raise children with.

Father’s Day, for me, has changed a lot over the years. It still holds a void in my heart. There is a section of cards at Target which I do not get to shop from anymore. However, I always have something to be grateful for and someone to celebrate with. On Father’s Day, I honor the man I lost and I celebrate with people who make my life better.

You never know what someone is struggling with, so always start with kindness. If today is a struggle for you, know you are not alone. I understand and I honor your story.

Living the Killin It Life

Six-Minute Self-Care Review

Good Morning!

How’s your week? What are you doing to take care of yourself? Have you made self-care a part of your daily life? Are you a priority to you? Do you squeeze in six minutes a day for self-care? (This is not the part where you list your excuses – it’s the part where you just begin).

How do you start? Let’s review where we’ve been so far:

  • Attitude of Gratitude – Every day brings opportunity to be thankful. While miracles and life-altering experiences are wonderful, everyday occurrences are full of reasons for appreciation. Seek out gratitude every single day in a concrete way and your perspective will change. People are wishing for what you have today.
  • Thank You is a Complete Sentence -Period. When we explain away a compliment, we dismiss the importance of the person giving it. You look beautiful and strong whether you are wearing black or any other color from the clearance or couture rack. Your hair is on point whether you just stepped out of the salon or it’s day 3 of dry shampoo. Just say thank you and accept the grace you have been given.
  • The Practice of Letting Go – Easier said than done, of course, and a practice that requires practice. Arm yourself will weapons to defend against the anxiety beast. Take a breath. Find a release. Let go and hold on to something bigger than you. Stress will exist as long as there is breath in our lungs, but the beast can be put to rest when we practice letting go.
  • A Simple Shuttle Launch -Connect! Are you feeling like you are on an island fighting the anxiety beast in a solo mission? Pick up the phone and reach out to a firehouse friend NOW! Taking care of yourself includes connecting to those who love you. Send a text. Make a call. Schedule a girls night. Just reach out and feel the power in the bond of friendship.
  • What Are You About? – Don’t forget about the SELF part of self-care. Connect and find comfort in you. Stop being your harshest critic and practice accepting you – all of you. Stay in the moment and be mindful of your thoughts. It can be dangerous walking around in your mind alone, so practice managing your thoughts and be your own biggest fan.
  • Practice Imperfectly – JUST DO IT! Journaling on the porch. Deep breathing at the red light. It doesn’t need to be post-worthy to be worth-while of your time. There is no right way to be kind to yourself.
  • Expectations Are Pre-existing Resentments – Schedule time for nothingness. Sit still. Stop with the 20-item-To-Do-List. Your entire life doesn’t require an agenda. Let life create moments you can be present in.

Well, that’s a wrap! Here is your “self-care-cheat-sheet”. Please share how you practice! Let me know what works and what doesn’t.

Thanks for reading & have a great day!

Your Nightmare is Someone Else’s Dream

“You don’t have the right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding.” – Cheryl Strayed

Everyone has inmate days. The ones you feel like you are wearing an oversized tangerine colored jumpsuit while getting your ass kicked by everyone you come in contact with. The days you feel the clichéd dark cloud drenching your freshly done hair and soaking your socks through your brand new rainboots. Yet, have you ever thought about the fact that what you are bitching about is what someone else may be yearning for? Though doubtful anyone is going to wish for freshly done hair to be saturated or flooded out rainboots. What someone might be wishing for is the feeling of walking out of the salon with freshly done hair. The extra strut to your step a new cut and color gives as you tackle your day. Or the means to get brand new rain boots to walk their kid to school or to work without looking like they missed their ride on Noah’s Ark. Your chaotic schedule of work and chasing children only to pass out without a shower in your bed at 11:30pm is actually someone else’s goal. Granted this is difficult to see in the midst of your own body odor but being grateful takes practice. This is not a guilt post, but a gratitude post (promise).

One day surrounded by women I admire and respect, I was voicing my frustrations about about my lot in life and my current complaints with the black cloud I couldn’t seem to escape. My disgruntled grumbles were met with validating head nods and “Umm Humm,” “I get it,” “I hear you!”

Which only ignited my flame of discontent. Until a lady I will call Jane hit me with the toughest of love.

“You have a roof over your head right?”

There was an awkward silence. She waited for me to respond as did the rest of the ladies who had joined my bitching battle cry.

I finally responded “well, yes.”

Without hesitation she moved on, “and are your lights on at home?”

I didn’t wait nearly as long to respond quietly, “yes.”

“And do you have food in your fridge to feed your babies? And gas in your car to get to your job which pays you on time?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes.”

Jane told me she understood my troubles seemed big, but the attitude of gratitude can change my perspective. This was not rocket science. This was something I had heard before. However, in that moment, it hit me like the proverbial palm to the face. Be grateful first and the troubles shrink.

This does not minimize the struggles life throws at you. Your struggles are real, and life can be painful. However, every day you wake up and have breath in your lungs is something to be grateful for. There are people who depend on you. People you may not even realize. You are a meaningful part of this world and you have an entire day in front of you to do something powerful with.

It is easier to be angry. There is much to be angry about and we have a constant connection with our hand-held-information-super-highways. Those little devices tell us what to be angry about. They give us unlimited opportunities to compare ourselves to each other. We all have a front seat to the unrealistic expectations of living a #BLESSED life and then not only hating ourselves for not living up to the unattainable goal, but also having disdain for other women who look like they have it all.

Here’s a news flash…wait for it…NO ONE HAS IT ALL! (Boom!)

Mind-blowing, right?

Every. Single. One of us has done their time in the tangerine jumpsuit getting their ass kicked. Your beatdown may look different than mine. You may be able to hide your scars better than me. However, the truth of the matter is, we all have scars and we all have a record. You may have the resources to have yours sealed up a little tighter than mine, but in no way does that make you better than me.

What would social media look like if our posts showed our worst days? It doesn’t have to be so drastic…let’s start with our not-best-days. What if your aimless scrolls gave you a sense of camaraderie not hostility? What if we related to each other instead of judged? What if we celebrate each other instead of competing for likes? I am certain that somewhere there is a woman who is crossing her fingers, praying to something and wishing on a star for the stress that comes along with the privilege of being you. Find some gratitude for your current beatdown. Someone else is hoping for it.

There are so many triggers for anger that we can take our pick what to cling to for that moment and let it rip through our day wreaking havoc on everything we touch. When we are living our best life, is that because we have somehow managed to sidestep the beatdown? Are we #BLESSED because we listened to the weather forecast and avoided the black-cloud storm that was bellowing our way? Or are we succeeding not in spite of our failures but because of them? Are we learning each day from the punches we endure, the rain showers we dry out from and taking off the tangerine jumpsuit to step out in our crowns and shades?

We are multidimensional. Not all good or all bad. Not winning or losing. Not #BLESSED or #FML.  #KILLINIT. All of it. Loving because we know loss. Pride despite knowing shame. Peace in the midst of chaos. Grace while knowing pain.

Start your day with gratitude to protect against the black cloud storm.

Wear your scars from your bad day battles with pride.

Be grateful for your unsealed record and brighten up your feed with reality, not resentments.

Everyday we are all #KILLINIT. So let’s celebrate that!

Attitude of Gratitude

What a way to start the day! Ruby hadn’t made it off her street and the chaos had her feeling like “Screw it all!” I’ve been there. Have you? Hard to fight off that thought when you are in the grips of distress. What if you had a net to catch you before you fell all the way down to Screw-It-All-Ville? What if you already had the armor in place? Are you in a space where you can receive feedback? Good! Let’s get some quick interventions to implement.

Start your day with gratitude. Find ways to input gratitude in your life. Gratitude is an attitude and you can change your attitude anytime you want. You can even change it multiple times a day.

Are you okay hearing this? Good! Let’s keep going! Here are some easy tasks that can change how you maneuver through your day. Try one for a week (every day for a week) and we can check in next week to see if you notice any change.

  1. Write down 3 things you are grateful for each morning. This will start your day in a peaceful place looking forward to what is coming your way.
  2. Arrange a text exchange with a friend or group of friends. Text each other something you are grateful every day. This provides you with accountability and openness to someone’s experience. Gratitude is contagious!
  3. Create a gratitude jar. A helpful way to start this process is taking a few minutes to meditate on gratitude then make a list of everything you can think of to be grateful for. Put them in a jar and on days where the gratitude struggle bus is real, pull one out as a reminder. Remember- gratitude is contagious and this can snowball into a change in mindset.
  4. Tell someone else why you are grateful for them. That is a two-fold win! You are acknowledging gratitude and you are promoting someone else.