Schedule Worry Time

Worry is all around us. We all feel overwhelmed, out of control and filled with uncertainty.

Don’t deny it, schedule it! Give yourself time to examine your worry.

Ask the question…do I have control over this worry right now, today?

If yes-take action! Call a friend. Do the thing. Move into the fear & do something besides worry.

If no- let it go! Save the worry for later.

Do not let it clog up your mind & take up space when you have no control in this moment.

When worry time is up, clock out! That’s it …until next time.

Take control where you can. The key is figuring out when & where that is.

Remembering My First Friend

Today, marks 10 years since my brother walked this earth. A milestone that requires acknowledge and his life, one that requires celebration.

My first friend.

My first enemy.

My first teacher of forgiveness.

Even when he drove me to the brink of insanity, I learned to accept him for who he was, not who I wanted him to be. It did not matter if I liked him every day, being my brother made me love him always. His love of basketball, his knowledge of all things sports, his genuineness as a human being and as a friend were only a few things he was well known for. Very early on, Derrick lived his life his way and did not require validation from anyone (a current goal of mine). Though I had imagined who he would be at the age of 35, 50 and 72 – that was not what his life was created for and that was never for me to determine.

Writing is my medicine. My source of healing. I empty words on a page and exhale the hurt in my soul. For the last four years, I put in the work to heal from the pain I experienced. I used writing, this tool that I love so much.

I exhaled a novel on some pages.

I created this blog to empty my thoughts into the world.

All of this with the hope that while I heal, maybe there is someone else who hurts like me and needs to read some words that speaks to them. Especially now, during this time of pain in our world, it’s important to find what heals us – what makes us feel connected to others. We are never alone if we are honest enough and brave enough to seek out a source of healing. None of us are fine and that is okay. Pain is temporary if you are willing to put in the work to let it go.

Find what heals you and do it!

When thinking about how to honor Derrick, I could not find the words I wanted to express the pain of losing this person I love. Then I realized I already had the words. I emptied them on pages of my novel and posts I shared with you. I will never be whole again without him, but I am finding ways to heal and honor this boy I watched grow into a man.

His love, his laugh and his giant presence will remain a void in my life always. But because of him, I love a little harder. I live a little more passionately. And I am grateful for the gift of knowing the love of my brother.

“I wake up to the sun creeping into my room. The distinct scent of a mix of fresh rain and a dash of lavender that hints to the night slipping away, lets me know it’s still early morning. The familiar aroma is welcoming to rise to. Inviting me to start my day, it is my first reminder of something beautiful in the world. However, today it’s my first reminder I am waking up in a world where my brother no longer exists. Upon this revelation, I grasp my chest because I can’t breathe. This new truth is choking out the life I had been accustom to. The life where he was there and always would be. Just yesterday, he was here. He was breathing and annoying me. Now he is gone. His room is empty and forever will be.” -From the Inside Out

“After becoming a therapist and a mother, my brother died of a drug overdose. Again, my core was shaken and my direction changed. Again, I had a new lens to see the world and had to find another way to forge down the path where new obstacles lay waiting for me. By this time, I was 30 with a new even more damaging set of coping skills I pulled from my tool belt to “handle” the pain of losing my first friend. Though my questions were different after this loss, the theme of blame remained the same. Why couldn’t I save him? Why didn’t I do more? However, as a good people-pleasing-caretaker, I sealed up all that blame, pain and sadness so I could be fine and attempt to continue down my familiar path. The problem was my life-lenses acted as beer goggles and I found myself fumbling and falling where I once floated.

What I have learned through all these experiences is the single worst thing I can do is be ‘fine’. When I am in pain and I am experiencing loss, I am far from fine. When I don’t give my experience and the stain it left on me the dignity of a name, and rather say ‘I’m fine’ my stain spreads. The original impact of the trauma is much worse if I can’t call out the fact I am hurting and I have been effected by what happened.

I’m not suggesting you have a full-on therapy session with the next person who asks how you are. However, instead of lying with ‘I’m fine’, chose something else. Literally ANYTHING else, because being ‘fine’ is not living.

Life has not been promised without pain. We do not get to skip through Candyland shooting rainbows out of our ass while riding a unicorn. Though, if we can be honest with ourselves and with those we love and trust, we have the ability to come back from anything and find peace in the most troubling situations.” -“I’m Not Fine and Neither Are You (Killinitlife.com)

Pictures or papers from ruby

“Did you get the email I sent you?”

Corey turns from the fridge, appearing confused and somewhat shaken with no response.

“You didn’t even read it, did you?” Now I am annoyed. This weekend is going to be complete chaos and I need him to suit up and show up! He looks frozen, as if he had a stroke. His confusion remains in place while he props open the fridge door.

“What was I supposed to read?” He speaks! And now looks like he is bracing for me to junk-punch him.

“I sent you the invite to the shared calendar I created for this weekend. It has the time and location for everyone! We are going in four directions Saturday and I’m going to need you. Did you even get the email?”

Corey’s face relaxes. He shakes his head and snickers. I must have missed the joke.

“Are you going to answer me? And what is so damn funny?”

“I mean you ask if I got your email and it could be pictures or papers. I never know with you, Ruby!”

Now I’m confused. I cock my head to one side, “pictures or papers?”

Corey is fully amused with himself now. “Yes.” He pauses and lifts his brow and throws a hand out to each side. “Dirty pictures or divorce papers.”

midlife crisis

Like a fine wine, I get better with age. Well, unlike a fine wine it takes a lot of work to get better with age. I haven’t been chillin in a bottle in a cellar waiting to be uncorked. In my younger years, the words “midlife crisis” caused my eyes to roll. I swore at that time, I would not be one of those people who freak out and completely change their lives just because of their age. So, as I approached this trigger for life-altering activity, I began to feel a need for my own change. I had no desire to dress like a 20-year-old or go skydiving, but there was twinge in my heart for something more. The unavoidable cliché of soul-searching began, and I took a look back to see what lessons I learned so I could figure out where I wanted to go.

As a young girl, I learned the power of play. I spent hours in make-believe lands being someone other than me. It was my world. My rules. My story. However, on occasion I would allow my brother to enter and cast him a role with script in hand. I loved the illusion of control I felt over the story because in the end everything worked out. My way was the best way.

As I got older, I was introduced to the world of sports and belonging to a team. It was no longer my world or my rules, but what was best for the whole. Sacrifice for the team was the most important rule because we played as one. I played softball for years with the same girls, some of whom are my friends today. We spent all summer traveling, practicing and playing a game we loved and learning how to be a girl during the most awkward time to be a girl. I did not have to like someone to want good for them. Differences didn’t matter, because we needed each other’s strengths to get what we all wanted. We were girls competing, not with each other but together. I learned how to be another girl’s cheerleader and how good it feels to celebrate a win as one.

Oh the teenage years…just wow! So many words come to mind with so many stories and lessons attached. Evolution is the only common thread woven throughout these years of growth. I lost my dad during this time, and my idea of what family should be evolved. The grunge revolution hit and my taste in music and fashion evolved along with it. As I entered into high school and left the safety-net of childhood behind, the faces of my friends evolved. I met a boy who would become my husband, and with that my plans for the future began to evolve. These new faces, this new boy and eventually me, began driving and the boundaries of my world grew exponentially in an instant. The evolution of this girl into a legal adult was messy and hard and beautiful and fun.

I theoretically became an adult before turning 20, but I remember the first time I felt like a real adult out in the real world – when I got on my own health insurance and then paid my first electric bill. My 20’s brought with it boundaries by society and by me. I learned early on, that ending the night at 4:00am did not negate the fact I was due at work by 6:30am. I learned that I could still be broke on payday because bills being due wait for no one. Early in my career, I learned that being a qualified, intelligent, educated woman, did not guarantee me fair pay or an opportunity over an underqualified, less educated man. I learned the wedding is the easiest part of marriage. I learned that even when you follow all the rules, there are things you don’t have control over. Just when I felt the lesson of loss again, I was taught the joy of true love in not one but two tiny humans. My 20’s let me learn which rules to follow and how to write my own.  

Confession time – turning 30 was ROUGH! Looking back, it was probably in combination with becoming a mother that caused this painful transition. I learned more in this last decade than any other time in my life. Learning how to manage being a woman and a mother and a wife and an employee and a friend and all the other hats I had to wear was a constant juggling act I failed at over and over again. I learned I could love these little girls more than my own life, and because of that they could push me to dark places I didn’t know existed. Again, loss taught me that nothing last forever. I learned that tattoos hurt worse than they say. I learned that you cannot hate someone without loving them. I learned the true power of forgiveness is freedom and forgiving myself is an action to take not an abstract concept or a quote on a pillow. I learned how to be a real friend and how to recognize real friendship in others. I learned I can define what love and marriage is for us and no one else has to understand it for it to be real. I learned the power of vulnerability and I cannot go wrong when I share my truth with others. As the last days of my 30’s are upon me, the theme of acceptance for living life on life’s terms seems a good fit for this decade.

Tomorrow I turn 40. I am not in the best shape of my life, but I do have a shape. I have lived too much life to have the body of a 22-year-old and I am grateful for that! I want to live, not preserve myself like that fine wine waiting for a special occasion.  I do take care of myself, but I also love ice cream and pizza. I have a body of a 40-year-old and I celebrate that opportunity! I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been, but there are days of embarrassing-awkward- struggle.

So, here is my midlife crisis spread out on this page. My lessons and soul-searching lead me to write and share this because I know I am not alone. I am no better or worse than the woman next to me. We are all just trying to figure out how to keep the party going and enjoy the ride. I love sharing my story with you all and I only hope you can relate to something that makes you realize we are all connected. This beautiful life I have been given is full of tears from laughter as much as pain. Each day I have a choice to be grateful and keep learning. All the lessons have gotten me this far – bring on the next 40!

The Default Parent

When in doubt ask mom. If you are lucky enough to have a mother in your life, she is most likely the person you ask for when shit hits the fan. She kisses boo-boos away, gives money away, calls the principal to explain your latest shenanigans and to rip someone’s ass when you have been wronged. She makes sure you have dinner, clean socks, signed permission slips, and your favorite color of chewable vitamins. Moms are the one. Good or bad, but the one who you get to answer to and who answers for you. The default parent available on-call for all levels of emergencies or for random questions and glasses of water at bedtime.

Where I come from in the Commonwealth of Kentucky, the family court system also views mothers as the default. Family court cases are listed by the name of the biological mother, whether she is alive, deceased, present, involved, incarcerated or not. If a child has been found to be abused or neglected, the court case is listed under the name of the child’s mother. The default parent again.

Granted, I wear my motherhood as a badge of honor, as my Queen of Chaos crown sits crooked on my messy unwashed hair. I am proud of how much ass I kick as a mom. I enjoy sharing war stories and battle scars from the frontlines of parenting while keeping these little people alive and decent human beings. I love the snuggles and laughter that go along with being the one they come to first. What comes along with being the mom.

You know what else I enjoy? Time by myself! I would love to go to the bathroom without hearing one of my many names called or being joined by my entire family including the dog. I would love if I didn’t have to set reminders for snack day, crazy hair day, picture day and write-a-check-for-something-else-day. It would be amazing if for one day I wasn’t the first call for “room mom” volunteers or to pick-up a puking kid. And my all-time favorite text to receive, “what’s the plan for dinner?”

WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHATS FOR DINNER I DIDN’T EVEN EAT LUNCH!

I am the go-to. The first line of defense. The cook. The nursemaid. The scheduler. The knower of all things. The default parent. And I am partially to blame.

At some point early on in my journey of motherhood, I got in the way of my husband being a parent. “I got this” was easier then letting him do things his way, instead of mine. When school days began, I listed my name first. When it was time to volunteer for activities, I raised my hand without asking if he wanted to raise his. I slowly kept hopping on the default button until our roles were dug in and defined.

Funny thing is, when I finally figured out how to get out of his way, he didn’t kill the kids. He sure didn’t do it my way, but his way wasn’t life-altering. He is quite capable of picking up children from school and delivering them to scheduled locations. He can figure out how to get them fed and can even run a sleepover in emergency situations. However, he isn’t able to do this with me in the way directing all the traffic.

We are constantly shown images of a “family” with women, mothers as the first point of contact. Commercials are directed at us for everything from laundry detergent to quick and easy meals to feed the whole family. Reinforcing the idea that feeding and clothing the family is solely our responsibility. For some families that is the truth. I had the privilege of being raised by a single mother for part of my childhood. She was the default parent by no fault of her own.  

There are plenty of families with no woman present at all. Maybe it’s dad, grandfather or uncle carrying the load and require no help from mom. If this is your circumstance, this is not a statement toward you. You are the exception to the rule and you are amazing. I wonder though, if your child is lost or alone the first question inevitably asked, “where’s your mom?” Even if she doesn’t exist, they default to mom.

We play a role in defaulting to mom. You may not raise your hand in agreement, but I bet you passively co-sign to the belief. For the most part, mothers just do. Someone is hungry. We feed them. Someone is sick. Take them to the doctor. Someone needs their butt wiped. Bend over. I am unaware of Daddy’s-Day-Out Programs. It’s Mother’s-Day-Out because that is who needs a few minutes of peace to gather their sanity. Mothers take care of business twenty-four hours a day. We don’t wait for someone else to step up. We are elbow deep in shit before the back-up arrives.

I have a great partner. Not a perfect one (he still asks me the plan for dinner), but a pretty amazing one and it’s still not 50/50. It will never be and that’s okay. I am learning to get out of his way. I am learning to find peace with my default status and to defer to the other responsible adult (aka: Dad) when I need to.

My red flag alert system signals me when I feel like Bitter Betty and thoughts of me carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders are on repeat in my head. I’m working on the trigger to kick in and get me to step back far enough to let someone else step up. I’m working on removing the Crown of Chaos and passing it off.

The expectations we hold ourselves to are unrealistic. If we keep measuring against them, we plant a garden for resentments to flourish. It’s one thing if dad refuses to step in and partner up (that’s an entirely different post). It’s quite another if I refuses to let him because I want it my way. The good news is I am the default parent – I am the one they go to first. The good news also is, I have a choice to defer and for that I am grateful.

Photo Credit: Photography by Angela Gross

Trauma

I’m Not Fine & Neither Are You

I am so proud to announce Scary Mommy has published another piece I wrote!

Scary Mommy Link

As personal as it was to write, I know this topic has a necessary message that needs to be brought to light.

Please SHARE for others to read and comment below to give feedback or continue the conversation.

Thank you for all your support and for reading!

Are You Overthinking?

Are you an overthinker? Do you analyze every situation from every angle? Have you every worried the joy right out of something? 🙋‍♀️
Why not just go with it? If it won’t physically harm you or someone else & there is a chance you will be better by just doing…then why the hell not?
I used to think my overthinking was my greatest weapon against disappointment and pain. I took great pride in my ability to think of all the possible outcomes from every side of every decision. However, with each analytical view I stole joy and fun and possibility from experiences.
This is not to say throw caution to the wind and seek out danger. Though this is my admission to robbing myself and those close to me of moments because of my fear.
Folks, we are all going to fall on our faces. That is a promise. But getting back up to kick some ass is the reward for doing so.
Let’s not forget the times we did take a risk and followed the road that led us to where we needed to be. How amazing was that?
Search your soul and take your shot!
Go bravely down the path! 👑🧡
@cherylstrayed

New Year Be You! (No Pressure)

A new year and a new decade is upon us! Time to set some goals & make this the best year EVER!

It’s #newyearnewyou time! That sounds like a lot of pressure!

Well, how about New Year Be You time. You don’t have to change who you are to start the year off right. Maybe we embrace who we are, truly accept ourselves and not only start the year off in a good place but stay there.

Setting goals is a necessary practice to achieving our dreams, however goals need to be accessible and measurable. You don’t jump to the top of the ladder in a single bound (not even Wonder Woman started out flying – she had to practice first). You climb one rung at a time until you reach the top. With each victory, you gain momentum to keep pushing to the next.

I epically fail at new years resolutions. Each time I set unrealistic goals that I inevitably give up on before February 3rd and spend the next three weeks kicking myself in the ass with guilt over how bad I suck. The list is long and familiar with goals I gave up on before the first day of spring. From diets, to workout routines to finishing my first novel all fizzled out like a sparkler on the 4th of July. It wasn’t until I changed the way I set goals, did I begin to find success and realized how kick-ass I truly am. I got out of my own clouded head of disappointment and listened to people I saw as successful. Not only did I read their books and listen to their words, I implemented what they told me. I didn’t use my defense of “must-be-nice-shrug” or “good-for-you-eye-roll” to pass off how they reached their goals. I did the work and found my own success. And guess what…I even finished that novel.

I learned from the success of inspirational women and found a new way to work. These ladies literally changed my life. Thank you Cheryl Strayed, Shonda Rhimes, Rachel Hollis, Jen Sincero, and Michelle Obama. Each of your stories brought me to tears, made laugh and lit my soul with faith. If you haven’t read anything by these women, it’s time to educate yourself.

This year I’m looking at who I already am and loving this wonderful lady a little more. My goals are about the rungs I climb, not the ladder. My mindset is to love me like I love my family. I’m going to support myself like I do my friends. I plan to kick ass like I know I can and follow my own best advice…BE GRATEFUL. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I like to keep things simple with the power of three. The 20’s are going to be mine, because I say so. Here’s how:

  1. Pause for the Cause: Every day I will take a moment to acknowledge my amazingness. I use a daily gratitude journal to empty my thankfulness on a page so I can return to it later and remind myself of this wonderful life I live. Some days my entry is full. Some days it’s a few words. It’s a concrete way for me to pause and find gratitude.  
  2. Show the Love: Every day I show love to someone and ensure they know how glad I am to have them in my life. “Someone” includes me. While I do enjoy bubble baths, chocolate and a good craft beer, showing love to me also includes running with my dog, sweating through a workout while I binge watch my new addiction (currently Breaking Bad) and being mindful of my food choices like sushi instead of steak. I will NOT “diet” but I will love myself enough to take care of my body so I can keep killin it throughout the year.
  3. Put in the Work: I have weekly goals for my career (I will not bore you with the details). These goals are measurable and obtainable. As I meet each one, I will celebrate. With each rung I climb, my motivation grows to keep killin it even when I am exhausted. I write this post from a condo on vacay with my family. I do this not because I am a work-a-holic, but because my dreams are larger than what my full-time job can offer. Though I am grateful for my career and a place to utilize my skills, I dream and plan for more. I play as hard as I work. While I do both, I show my daughters the importance of dreams, goals and having fun along the way.

I will turn 40 this year (the good Lord willing) and I say BRING IT ON BITCHES! I am more excited for this birthday than any other. No cringing at the sound of a number, but screaming from the mountains full of joy! 40 years I have been granted to walk this earth and experience life. I have people who love me and I love them back. I’m certain some who can’t stand me and some I could do without too. I have made life-altering mistakes and have taken risks that have turned into jackpots. I have choices – though I may not like all of them, choices they remain. I have experienced true joy and excruciating pain, but I learn from each.

What will you pause and be grateful for? Who will you show love to? How will you keep climbing rungs?

Whatever you do, do it with gratitude and love for yourself!

Post a comment and share how you are KILLIN IT!