Anger or Grief?

I find comfort in my anger.
I have been known to hang on to grudges like tiny little birds. I keep them safely tucked away in their cages preventing the process of acceptance from occurring and letting go of what hurt me.
I have kept score of hurts I felt and ones I caused like it was my job – striving for balance between the two accounts.
There was a time I felt it was my right to hold on tight to these grudges and a sign of strength on my part because I was not going to be taken advantage of.
This time was not long ago in a place far way. The not-so-distant past has a way of tricking us of when it actually took place.
My grudges and my anger kept me warm in my comfort zone, blocking out the light needed for growth and change.
Anger is much easier to feel than grief.
Anger lets me rage outside of myself searching for an external answer.
Grief involves pain and loss and sadness which all direct my attention inward.
Have you ever looked in the mirror after an ugly cry?
It’s not my favorite sight.
Recently, my Bitter-Betty side has been showing herself more often. (No offense to any Bettys out there – I actually love the name but it does go well with Bitter)
I have been angry about everything, literally EVERYTHING!
My grudges were growing exponentially by the day and it was just too much to keep up with. Red-truck-guy cutting me off only to slow down and turn left directly in front me was where I threw my hands up in defeat.
Red-truck-guy was only doing what red-truck guy does. He had no malicious intent toward me. He just needed to turn left as I have needed to do on a daily basis.
Life just happened on life’s terms and I had a choice to accept it or not.
When I turned my attention around to face myself in the mirror, I recognized grief instead of anger.
My grudges had grown because my world had been thrown on its ass. My regular life was now filled with empty calendars and anxiety of the unknown.
I have been walking around using the very phrase I swore off of, knowing damn good and well I AM NOT FINE!
I am grieving over my regular life. I miss hugs from my family and dinner with my friends. I am sad for the thousand of lives lost and level of hate I witness daily on the news. I am scared for my children and what life will look like as I try to raise decent human beings in this new world.
When I tear back the anger, I find grief and grief is no one’s fault. Grief is a reaction to life on life’s terms.
So I am going to do my best to stop keeping score, be honest enough to hold myself accountable and let people turn left when they need to because at some point I will too.