Unemployed Taxi Driver

It’s the end of an era.

I’ve been relieved of my duties.

I no longer have to live out of my car. The goldfish crumbs have been vacuumed out. No more finger-print-smiley-faces on the back windows. I no longer referee the continuous fight over “my turn” in the front seat. While there was never a meter, the miles I tick off are solo ones and my playlist blasts the speakers as I sing alone. The bones of my schedule are no longer kept by plans & whims of minors.

I’m free. (Violently sobs)

Yes, I know. You might want to remind me I’ve been dreaming of this day. The day I get to come straight home after work or go meet my friends for dinner without juggling carpool duties.

When my plans get top billing in my calendar, rather than fitting them in on an off day from my taxi responsibilities.

What I didn’t process or devote thought to was this all too familiar feeling of detachment. Oh yes, I recognize it…my first exposure was on the first day of preschool when my babies went running off into a stranger’s classroom with smiles on their faces while the office staff offered me tissues. I’ve also felt this feeling when I handed two sleeping bags to a very kind Girl Scout leader who assured me she would take care of these girls like her own (doubt it echoed in my mind even though she was as sweet and capable as can be). And again this hallowed gut took me for a ride the morning my girls stepped onto a bus to head to the far away land of Chicago for 3 days without me.

This is not new territory! Except now they are driving with the rest of the unconscious lunatics on the road without my voice reminding them to “BREAK”.

The conflict of this new land of equal parts terror and liberation is crippling. I’ve always enjoyed my alone time, however alone time usually occurred when my daughters were safely tucked away somewhere rather than rolling down the highway.

I haven’t even addressed the worst part. It has recently come to my attention that these children I’ve been driving around all over the city & country will be living an entire life all on their own in less than 2 years.

How the *%#k is that possible?!

Why did no one prepare me for this?

From the time you tell someone you are pregnant, the free, unsolicited advice faucet begins to flow with no shut-off valve. People were so focused on:

“you’ll never sleep again”

“breast-fed or bottle”

“co-sleeping or not”

“better find a good school”

“year-around sports or tutors”

Everyone forgot to mention “by the way, these babies who need you for everything are just on loan, they aren’t even really yours, they belong to themselves, so don’t get too attached because they will drive away from you one day and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Well too damn late!

A dear friend of mine recently told me she remembers who I was before being a mother better than I do. I could not argue. I’ve spent the last 16 and half years with the hat of motherhood on a majority of the time. This is not a martyr moment, just one of awareness and pride. Being a mom is my greatest accomplishment. I am proud of how hard I “mom” and how I manage this role. The work & dedication required to be the mom I wanted to be is my accomplishment. I did that. I set the table for them to be who they are. And I am so very proud of that. Who my daughters are, are not the accomplishment. That is their accomplishment, not mine.

I am starting to remember who I was too. I remember I am a woman who enjoys her own company. I am a reader. A writer. An advocate. I love going to the movies and being outdoors. I am a wife who enjoys hanging with her husband. I am a good friend to have who loves being around the ones I love. I have a lot of hats that have been waiting for me to put back on or to try on for the first time. I remember I have a lot left to accomplish all on my own.

So I find myself at yet another transition. I am an unemployed taxi driver. I have a set of skills and a service that is no longer employable. When we are faced with change, we have a choice on how to manage:

  1. Fight it. Wish for what used to be. Shutdown.
  2. Accept it. Find gratitude for the process and experiences you were privileged to have. Open your mind to the new possibilities.

After the shock of being fired from my driving responsibilities has worn off, I’ve found new ways to spend my time. I’ve found new ways to connect with daughters since windshield time is few and far between. I continue to stalk Life360, but not as much as I did week one of living with 2 new drivers.

As I look toward the next 2 years and wonder how in the world I am going to handle when these girls drive away to a new home where I do not live, I am reminded of what my friend told me about stages in parenting. She said that I am not ready for this, because it is not time yet. She gave me the gift of patience when anxiety tries to take control. When we aren’t ready for something, it usually means it’s not time yet. And…if it IS time, trust yourself because you are ready for it.

I take a deep breath and practice mindfulness today because tonight they will sleep under the same roof as me and we get many more moments together before any of us are ready for that transition. Maybe now that I’ve experienced this loss, I can let myself collect the experiences and time necessary for my next job loss and embrace the possibilities that may bring too.

Practice Imperfectly

Well hello there! Are you present in the moment with me? Did you practice mindfulness this week? There is a mindfulness saying that some “older” and wiser ladies told me a long time ago. It goes something like this, “if you have one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow you will crap all over today.” I think they may have used a different term, but you get the idea. It’s true! Staying present in the moment allows you to enjoy what is right in front of you. Mindfulness doesn’t allow for worrying about tomorrow. If we could all take a little advice from Elsa, and let it go, the past will stay where it belongs too. However, mindfulness is a practice. It takes 21 days to form a habit so keep going! These weekly convos with you helps me to practice what I preach and keeps me focused on where my energy needs to be-right here in this moment. So, thank you for the opportunity! We are in this together!

Let’s review our dear friend, Ruby and her shenanigans this week. Have you ever felt the spotlight before? Knowing everyone is watching to see if you can pull something off. Whether it is being the textbook parenting expert or epidemy of class at a work dinner, you feel the heat of the watchful eyes and the weight of others’ expectations. Your desire to hear the cheer of the crowd when you knock it out of the park pushes you forward as fear of the collective sigh of disappointment motivates your effort.

Miranda’s birthday may have looked like a shit-show, but she did what was asked of her. She gave up the applesauce, she may have launched it like a hand grenade, but she gave it up nonetheless. And she is two years old with a new baby brother who is stealing her mother away. What do you want from the poor girl? Ruby had a Rockstar reaction – cake anyone? Basically, the show must go on, shit, cake and all.

This week keep practicing mindfulness. Was it journaling, sitting on the porch or just breathing alone in the elevator that reminded you to stay present?

For me, it’s journaling. I harness my inner Elsa and literally let it all go on the page. But, it’s not something I do every single day. My mindfulness practice has become flexible, which is a new concept for me. I hold myself to doing something every day to stay in the moment. Some days it’s journaling. Some days it’s running with my dog. And somedays it’s taking 35 seconds in the car before I go into work to remind myself I need a paycheck and I am a productive member of society (basically I tell myself whatever is necessary to get out of the car). However, I DO something daily. I practice. It’s not helpful or mindful for me to be rigid about this process. I just need to do it and accept my imperfect mindfulness practice. It’s so freeing!

So keep practicing this week, my friends! Send me a comment and let me know what works for you and what doesn’t. I am always looking for new ideas and it’s helpful to know I’m not alone in this practice journey. I would love to hear from you! And if you can’t think of anything else to practice staying present, have some cake. That will make you enjoy the moment! Have a great week!

What are you about?

Welcome Back! The Self-Care Police is here! Just checking to see how you are doing!

Who did you connect with this week? Did you send a text or schedule a night out? I hope so!

Did Ruby’s flashback remind you of some not-so-far-off-time-in-past that makes you double over with laughter (at least the parts you can recall)? Though Ruby ‘never disappoints’ even at a young age, she has grown up some since her barroom-brawling days. Instead of pushing random cheating blonde girls out of the way, she advocates for her kids at school and uses her voice to support those she loves. Maybe she doesn’t walk around with her Ruby Red showing, but you can find her strutting in her heels with that same confidence as that girl on the dance floor missing a pocket. She may not drink as much or dance in public as often, but she holds true to who she is and what she stands for.

Change may be inevitable, but Ruby is still Ruby.

What about you? Who are you? What do you stand for? Would not-so-far-off-time-in-past-you recognize today-you? Is that a good thing or not?

Last week, I asked you to get connected. Guess what…this week I’m asking you to connect to YOURSELF! Take some time to look at who you are & what you are about. No labels (i.e. mom, wife, partner, sister, employee, lover, hater, etc). Badass is the only exception – BADASS label is accepted.

Take a few minutes each day or if some angel of mercy gives you a few hours to yourself, ABSOLUTELY do that! Stay in the moment and practice some mindfulness (what the hell is that you ask?)

Psychology Today defines Mindfulness as:

“Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention to the present. This state encompasses observing one’s thoughts and feelings without judging them as good or bad. To live mindfully is to live in the moment and reawaken oneself to the present, rather than dwelling on the past or anticipating the future. Mindfulness can also be a healthy way to identify and manage latent emotions that are causing problems in personal or professional relationships.” (www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/mindfulness)

Use a calming app.

Journal in a cute notebook.

Sit on the porch and watch the leaves change.

Close your eyes with your legs wrapped in a constrained manner and mediate like an ancient monk.

Just take a moment to be quiet and get to know yourself. Leave your gavel and robe out of this – no judgement! Connect with yourself and figure out what you like and don’t like. What makes you excited and sad. What gives you fire in your belly and what causes pain in your heart. Figure out who you are so you can love you for you. That is the most important connection to make! Have a great week!