Tina Turner

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything…whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”

Tina Turner, born Anna Mae Bullock
(November 26, 1939)
An American-born Swiss singer and actress. Turner rose to prominence as part of the Ike & Tina Turner Revue before launching a successful career as a solo performer. Having sold over 100 million records, she is one of the best-selling recording artists of all time and has been referred to as The Queen of Rock ‘n’ Roll. Turner is noted for her energetic state presence, powerful vocals and career longevity.

Maya Angelou

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – You belong every place – No place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”

Maya Angelou, born Marguerite Annie Johnson
(April 4, 1928 – May 28, 2014)
An American poet, singer, memoirist and civil rights activist. She published seven autobiographies, three books of essays, several books of poetry, and is credited with a list of plays and movies and television shows spanning over 50 years.
(source: Wikipedia)

Kamala Harris

“If you are fortunate to have opportunity, it is your duty to make sure other people have those opportunities as well.”

Kamala Devi Harris (October 20, 1964)
An American lawyer and politician serving as the junior United States Senator from California since 2017. She is a member of the Democratic Party. Previously, she served as the 32nd Attorney General of California from 2011 to 2017.
She is a graduate of Howard University and University of California, Hastings College of the Law.
(Source: Wikipedia)

Audre Lorde

“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are different from my own.”

Audre Lorde/Gamba Adisa
(February 18, 1934 – November 17, 1992)
An American writer, feminist, womanist, librarian and civil rights activist. She was a self-described “black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet” who dedicated both her life and her creative talent to confronting and addressing injustices of racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism and homophobia.
(source: Wikipedia)

Michelle Obama

“You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world’s problems at once but don’t ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.”

Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (January 17, 1964)
An American lawyer and author who was the first lady of the United States from 2009-2017. She is married to the 44th President of the United States Barack Obama. She is the first African-American First Lady of the United States.
Mrs. Obama is a graduate of Princeton University and Harvard Law School.
(source: Wikipedia)

“We have to improve life, not just for those who have the most skills and those who know how to manipulate the system. But also for those who often have so much to give but never get the opportunity.”

Dorothy Height (March 24, 1912 – April 20, 2010)
American civil rights and woman’s rights activist. Height specifically focused on the issues of African-American women, including unemployment, illiteracy, and voter awareness. She was the president of the National Council of Negro Women for forty years.
(source: Wikipedia)

The Default Parent

When in doubt ask mom. If you are lucky enough to have a mother in your life, she is most likely the person you ask for when shit hits the fan. She kisses boo-boos away, gives money away, calls the principal to explain your latest shenanigans and to rip someone’s ass when you have been wronged. She makes sure you have dinner, clean socks, signed permission slips, and your favorite color of chewable vitamins. Moms are the one. Good or bad, but the one who you get to answer to and who answers for you. The default parent available on-call for all levels of emergencies or for random questions and glasses of water at bedtime.

Where I come from in the Commonwealth of Kentucky, the family court system also views mothers as the default. Family court cases are listed by the name of the biological mother, whether she is alive, deceased, present, involved, incarcerated or not. If a child has been found to be abused or neglected, the court case is listed under the name of the child’s mother. The default parent again.

Granted, I wear my motherhood as a badge of honor, as my Queen of Chaos crown sits crooked on my messy unwashed hair. I am proud of how much ass I kick as a mom. I enjoy sharing war stories and battle scars from the frontlines of parenting while keeping these little people alive and decent human beings. I love the snuggles and laughter that go along with being the one they come to first. What comes along with being the mom.

You know what else I enjoy? Time by myself! I would love to go to the bathroom without hearing one of my many names called or being joined by my entire family including the dog. I would love if I didn’t have to set reminders for snack day, crazy hair day, picture day and write-a-check-for-something-else-day. It would be amazing if for one day I wasn’t the first call for “room mom” volunteers or to pick-up a puking kid. And my all-time favorite text to receive, “what’s the plan for dinner?”

WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHATS FOR DINNER I DIDN’T EVEN EAT LUNCH!

I am the go-to. The first line of defense. The cook. The nursemaid. The scheduler. The knower of all things. The default parent. And I am partially to blame.

At some point early on in my journey of motherhood, I got in the way of my husband being a parent. “I got this” was easier then letting him do things his way, instead of mine. When school days began, I listed my name first. When it was time to volunteer for activities, I raised my hand without asking if he wanted to raise his. I slowly kept hopping on the default button until our roles were dug in and defined.

Funny thing is, when I finally figured out how to get out of his way, he didn’t kill the kids. He sure didn’t do it my way, but his way wasn’t life-altering. He is quite capable of picking up children from school and delivering them to scheduled locations. He can figure out how to get them fed and can even run a sleepover in emergency situations. However, he isn’t able to do this with me in the way directing all the traffic.

We are constantly shown images of a “family” with women, mothers as the first point of contact. Commercials are directed at us for everything from laundry detergent to quick and easy meals to feed the whole family. Reinforcing the idea that feeding and clothing the family is solely our responsibility. For some families that is the truth. I had the privilege of being raised by a single mother for part of my childhood. She was the default parent by no fault of her own.  

There are plenty of families with no woman present at all. Maybe it’s dad, grandfather or uncle carrying the load and require no help from mom. If this is your circumstance, this is not a statement toward you. You are the exception to the rule and you are amazing. I wonder though, if your child is lost or alone the first question inevitably asked, “where’s your mom?” Even if she doesn’t exist, they default to mom.

We play a role in defaulting to mom. You may not raise your hand in agreement, but I bet you passively co-sign to the belief. For the most part, mothers just do. Someone is hungry. We feed them. Someone is sick. Take them to the doctor. Someone needs their butt wiped. Bend over. I am unaware of Daddy’s-Day-Out Programs. It’s Mother’s-Day-Out because that is who needs a few minutes of peace to gather their sanity. Mothers take care of business twenty-four hours a day. We don’t wait for someone else to step up. We are elbow deep in shit before the back-up arrives.

I have a great partner. Not a perfect one (he still asks me the plan for dinner), but a pretty amazing one and it’s still not 50/50. It will never be and that’s okay. I am learning to get out of his way. I am learning to find peace with my default status and to defer to the other responsible adult (aka: Dad) when I need to.

My red flag alert system signals me when I feel like Bitter Betty and thoughts of me carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders are on repeat in my head. I’m working on the trigger to kick in and get me to step back far enough to let someone else step up. I’m working on removing the Crown of Chaos and passing it off.

The expectations we hold ourselves to are unrealistic. If we keep measuring against them, we plant a garden for resentments to flourish. It’s one thing if dad refuses to step in and partner up (that’s an entirely different post). It’s quite another if I refuses to let him because I want it my way. The good news is I am the default parent – I am the one they go to first. The good news also is, I have a choice to defer and for that I am grateful.

Photo Credit: Photography by Angela Gross

New Year Be You! (No Pressure)

A new year and a new decade is upon us! Time to set some goals & make this the best year EVER!

It’s #newyearnewyou time! That sounds like a lot of pressure!

Well, how about New Year Be You time. You don’t have to change who you are to start the year off right. Maybe we embrace who we are, truly accept ourselves and not only start the year off in a good place but stay there.

Setting goals is a necessary practice to achieving our dreams, however goals need to be accessible and measurable. You don’t jump to the top of the ladder in a single bound (not even Wonder Woman started out flying – she had to practice first). You climb one rung at a time until you reach the top. With each victory, you gain momentum to keep pushing to the next.

I epically fail at new years resolutions. Each time I set unrealistic goals that I inevitably give up on before February 3rd and spend the next three weeks kicking myself in the ass with guilt over how bad I suck. The list is long and familiar with goals I gave up on before the first day of spring. From diets, to workout routines to finishing my first novel all fizzled out like a sparkler on the 4th of July. It wasn’t until I changed the way I set goals, did I begin to find success and realized how kick-ass I truly am. I got out of my own clouded head of disappointment and listened to people I saw as successful. Not only did I read their books and listen to their words, I implemented what they told me. I didn’t use my defense of “must-be-nice-shrug” or “good-for-you-eye-roll” to pass off how they reached their goals. I did the work and found my own success. And guess what…I even finished that novel.

I learned from the success of inspirational women and found a new way to work. These ladies literally changed my life. Thank you Cheryl Strayed, Shonda Rhimes, Rachel Hollis, Jen Sincero, and Michelle Obama. Each of your stories brought me to tears, made laugh and lit my soul with faith. If you haven’t read anything by these women, it’s time to educate yourself.

This year I’m looking at who I already am and loving this wonderful lady a little more. My goals are about the rungs I climb, not the ladder. My mindset is to love me like I love my family. I’m going to support myself like I do my friends. I plan to kick ass like I know I can and follow my own best advice…BE GRATEFUL. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I like to keep things simple with the power of three. The 20’s are going to be mine, because I say so. Here’s how:

  1. Pause for the Cause: Every day I will take a moment to acknowledge my amazingness. I use a daily gratitude journal to empty my thankfulness on a page so I can return to it later and remind myself of this wonderful life I live. Some days my entry is full. Some days it’s a few words. It’s a concrete way for me to pause and find gratitude.  
  2. Show the Love: Every day I show love to someone and ensure they know how glad I am to have them in my life. “Someone” includes me. While I do enjoy bubble baths, chocolate and a good craft beer, showing love to me also includes running with my dog, sweating through a workout while I binge watch my new addiction (currently Breaking Bad) and being mindful of my food choices like sushi instead of steak. I will NOT “diet” but I will love myself enough to take care of my body so I can keep killin it throughout the year.
  3. Put in the Work: I have weekly goals for my career (I will not bore you with the details). These goals are measurable and obtainable. As I meet each one, I will celebrate. With each rung I climb, my motivation grows to keep killin it even when I am exhausted. I write this post from a condo on vacay with my family. I do this not because I am a work-a-holic, but because my dreams are larger than what my full-time job can offer. Though I am grateful for my career and a place to utilize my skills, I dream and plan for more. I play as hard as I work. While I do both, I show my daughters the importance of dreams, goals and having fun along the way.

I will turn 40 this year (the good Lord willing) and I say BRING IT ON BITCHES! I am more excited for this birthday than any other. No cringing at the sound of a number, but screaming from the mountains full of joy! 40 years I have been granted to walk this earth and experience life. I have people who love me and I love them back. I’m certain some who can’t stand me and some I could do without too. I have made life-altering mistakes and have taken risks that have turned into jackpots. I have choices – though I may not like all of them, choices they remain. I have experienced true joy and excruciating pain, but I learn from each.

What will you pause and be grateful for? Who will you show love to? How will you keep climbing rungs?

Whatever you do, do it with gratitude and love for yourself!

Post a comment and share how you are KILLIN IT!

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That Viral 10-Year Challenge And The Problem With Perspective

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