There was an ongoing joke in my family that I couldn’t keep anything alive. For a long time, I was known as the “black thumb”. Whether it was the richness of fall mums, a full of color of spring hanging baskets or wild flowers in my yard each would meet an early demise by my hand. All the while, my mother, always maintained a lush oasis in her yard continuously adding to the beautiful landscape. My narrative to support my alibi ranged from “I don’t have time,” to “I don’t care enough to put in the effort.” All logical, but these were also excuses to support my need to avoid failure.
A couple of years ago I decided I was going to change my identity from a black thumb to green thumb. Granted, at this time I couldn’t even keep a succulent alive. However, I wanted to make some big changes in my life, so I decided to start with my identity around taking care of what’s important. I had recently left a good paying, stable job to work for myself which was equally terrifying as it was exciting. I was struggling with the unrealistic illusion of control in the work/life balance game. I felt like a failure at every turn. I needed to literally ground myself (pun intended) in an action I could control.
In the fall of 2023, I bought two succulent plants and I set the intention of not only keeping them alive but finding a way to let them thrive under my care. I think there are so many times in life that we adopt identities assigned to us by other people. Whether accurate or not, we give power to a single idea about who we are as a person. Though, I believe we are much more complicated and unique that one idea or opinion. I knew I was much more than a plant killer.
I took a look at what I knew about myself:
- I loved and cared for three dogs who had passed on. I currently care for two who are very lucky they are cute for all the ruckus they cause. Our little odd couple of a hound dog and border collie are not hanging with bare necessities, but living their best lives with better sleeping arrangements and diets than some humans.
- I carried and gave birth to healthy twin girls. After 11 days in the NICU, the care of those babies was entrusted to my husband and I. The anxiety and disbelieve must have been splattered on our faces as we loaded the car with fresh car seats filled with sleeping babies because the nurse smiled confidently and said “it will be fine. You all got this.” The fast forward to our daughter’s first birthday when Matt and I high-fived congratulating each other in unison, “we did it for a whole year and they are still alive!”
- As much as I hate it, I learn best from failure. I don’t learn when I’m good at something automatically. AND when I let go of my ego and practice vulnerability, I have the potential to create something that brings me joy.
- I’m not afraid of hard work. When I set the intention of creating peace and purpose in my day, its impossible to regret whatever effort is required to get there.
After a long winter of watching, watering and talking to my succulent plants, they survived. There were some touch and go moments, but those plants survived under my care. I kept one plant close to my work station which made dark and dreary days more bearable. I gained the confidence to get some plants for outside my house. I bought my favorite herbs, lavender and sage, and some pretty begonias and marigolds for around my pool and my front porch. During the scorching days in the thick of summer, I thanked and praised those flowers for sticking with me even when I had times I was neglectful when life got in the way.
The winter of 2024 I kept the original succulents alive. This time they didn’t just survive, they thrived and I was so very proud. During that year, I continued on my new adventure in my career which had similar results from a series of educational setbacks and momentum-harnessing wins. I had to take a look at who I wanted to be and what self-limiting beliefs I needed to shed in order to authentically show up as that person. Throughout that year, I kept practicing the things I knew were good for me just as I cared for the plants; I prioritized my self-care because I have a choice in caring for myself.
As my birthday rolled around in late winter of 2025, I decided I wanted to take on the challenge of planting a garden. On Mother’s Day, my husband helped me prep the ground with fertilizer we planted an entire garden in my backyard. We planted everything from pumpkins to potatoes, the majority of which came from seed.
After the initial planting was complete, I realized how much work this was going to be but I remembered that I had already learned so much about thriving rather than surviving that I changed my perspective of resentment of the work this garden would require to the perspective of gratitude for the tasks I have in this garden.
When I am overwhelmed with lack of control, I go pull weeds in the garden because that is well within my control and it dissolves the frustration I tend to harbor. I walk barefoot in the garden to ground myself in the moment and let go of the anxiety around what might come. I talk to these plants and practice gratitude for the growth and harvest I get to enjoy. This garden has created a space for me to sit still, be quiet and watch. This summer, I have gained more peace from literally watching plants grow than I have had since we moved in almost 9 years ago.
One morning before the sun had fully risen and mist still lingered over the warm ground, I watched a sprout from my pumpkin vine pop up and rotate slowly in a circle as it reached for something to grab onto. I got to witness this small but precious part of the life of my pumpkin vine, because I was still. Each morning, I go out to the swing by my garden and sit still and quiet while I enjoy my coffee. I’ve been able to see hummingbirds come inches from me as they enjoy my cannon lilies and watched bright and brilliant red cardinal birds chase each other around while listening to their beautiful song.
I literally changed my identity over the span of two years. I left a job that I was comfortable with but not healthy in to go out on a limb with hope for more. I continued to reach around and strive for connection and something to hold onto. It was a lonely and liberating process as I searched for direction. When I found a good spot, I held on and pulled up as I got stronger and began to blossom in a new space. I grew trust in myself again. I shed the identify of who I was to become who I am. I’m a self-employed green thumb now. When we feel stuck, we have the ability to change our perspective. We can move from fear to gratitude. We can move from nervous to excited. We can learn from our failures to improve our experience moving forward. We can take action when it is within our reach. We can become a green thumb as long as we are willing to put in the work to do so. I never would have guessed how much I could learn from watching plants grow and how much I can relate to a pumpkin vine doing what it was created to do
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