Three F-words

Fight, Flight or Freeze. All responses to trauma. Three F-words for three distinct buckets of reactions to when we perceive we are in danger. Notice the use of the word “perceive”. It is there for a reason because I do not have to be facing death for my brain to believe I am in danger and act accordingly.

Fighting can mean the literal definition of the word. A use of force to escape death (or perceived death). It can also mean fighting against the truth, being in denial or refusal to accept the reality of your situation.

Flight is leaning into the escape from the pain. Some actually run away from the pain and flee the scene. Some drink (or whatever substance of choice) away the pain. The point of fleeing is avoiding the cards you have been dealt and essentially outrun the pain that is sure to follow.

Freezing is a newer addition to the F-word trio of responses, though it does not mean it is a new reaction. Freezing is playing dead. Flat-faced and disconnected from what is happening. Freezing stops you in your tracks and prevents you from feeling what is happening to you.

I’ve worked with trauma, personally and professionally, for many years. Again, notice my use of the words “worked with”. We do not fix or cure trauma; we work to alleviate the symptoms caused by traumatic experiences. There are many evidenced based interventions that have proven ways to treat reactions to trauma, however trauma is not cured. Trauma becomes a part of us.

I am certified in Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), which is an intervention that alleviates the symptoms of trauma. (Yes, actually dissolves the symptoms due to the traumatic experience). ART allows the individual to open up the part of the brain that decides which response has the best chance of survival. (Again, remember our brain has perceived a dangerous situation and self-preservation is the goal). ART allows us to change the emotions attached to the traumatic event. We keep the facts and we change our reaction. Now that we are away from the perceived danger, our brain allows us to change how the story was filed.

For example, when I participated in an ART intervention I used the experience of the night my father died and the emotions attached to that story. The experience, while intense, allowed me to let go of the fear associated with that loss. My father died 30 years ago. I remember every detail of the night when he was rushed to the hospital, even down to the memory of my father’s wedding band being on my mother’s finger when she came home from the hospital, which was the very first indicator he was gone. I remember it all. However, what I no longer carry is the fear associated with not having my father on this earth. Who would protect us? Who would provide for us? What does life look like without a dad?

ART allowed me to release the fear.

I miss my dad every day. There will always be grief in my heart for the man who raised me for fourteen years and taught me so much love. And after all this time, I can find peace with the grief being a part of me instead of the fear controlling me.

As a fourteen-year-old girl, I fought the reality of my father’s death. I fought the fear by trying to control it. I fought all the pain I felt by trying to be perfect in every other aspect of my life. If I could just make everything else be “okay” then I would not have to face the fear of being vulnerable, unprotected and the unknown instability of being down a parent.

Trauma does not need you to beat it. You merely have to learn to live with the trauma, accepting its place in your story. You by no means must accept the negative symptoms of trauma reactions. That is where interventions and treatment can be life-changing measures.

Very recently, I was triggered and experienced a trauma reaction. Not a welcomed experience nor one I have been forced to face for a long time. The experience caused me to freeze this time. My fear paralyzed me. For me, this frozen state looked like lack of emotion, disconnection with those close to me, sleepless nights and the inability to focus.

Because I had the experiences from my past and the knowledge of treating trauma reactions, I was able to identify these symptoms quickly and lean into what I know to be true: this too shall pass. I knew my brain had a perceived threat and chose to freeze as the best course of action for self-preservation. I leaned into the interventions that bring me back to a baseline and filter my thoughts instead of hanging onto the fears I know are not certain truth.

Life continues to happen all around us, all the time. Trauma and the possibility of triggers are not able to be controlled. The symptoms most certainly can be treated and alleviated. It’s not time that heals, it’s our intention to do so that does.

I share this today because trauma is complicated. There are so many interventions available to help. Instead of worrying about what’s the right one, start with your intention to heal. That is the most important decision of all. Trauma takes our control, and we can take it back just as long as we are willing to be vulnerable enough to ask for help.

What is your walk-up song?

“If you’re gonna fly high without fear, You’re gonna have to learn to love the atmosphere, and you gotta learn to use those wings that you can’t see.” -Wings by Jimmy Buffett

In the major leagues, each player gets to choose the music playing as he walks up to the plate to bat. A player’s walk-up music says a lot about who they are. The song choice tells the crowd what gets him motivated. It’s a glimpse inside these men who generally are not allowed to show emotions other than anger.

When playing on their home field, these same men get the opportunity to be cheered by the crowd who adores them. With every swing of the bat they have their chance to be a hero and win the hearts of those who watch from the stands. However, you take the same result of the swing and transport it to an away game in front of a hostile crowd the reaction feels much different.

We all want a cheer squad and marching band to follow us around to celebrate each victory we achieve, right? Or would it be better to just not have an audience to our kicks in the ass? Maybe there is another way. We don’t need a booster club but a strong manager of our thoughts to play our walk-up music and our touchdown celebration song. Our manager becomes our battle cry in our head.

You will not impress the entire crowd. Sometimes you will play away games with everyone around you wishing and praying for you to fail. No band will play when you score, you must do your touchdown dance anyway. People will boo you. They will cheer when you fall. Your mind manager needs to practice enough to be prepared for those games, so that when you fall you get back up even to the chant of “You Suck!”

Maybe not caring what others think of you is too much at first. It’s hard to walk through life with blinders. Instead, when you hear your name in other people’s mouths, you hit the play button on your walk-up song. Or when you find yourself all alone to celebrate your daily victories, do your touchdown dance anyway.

I am a recovering people-pleaser. There was a time, I cared what every single person in the room thought, even the people in the hall right outside. I wanted everyone to be pleased so badly that I would sacrifice parts of me to achieve that. Everyone being happy was my homerun. I was the hamster on the wheel never gaining ground, because no matter what I did, it was never enough. I didn’t even know what I liked because I was so busy failing at figuring out what made everyone else happy. I felt bad all the time – epic failure, all day, every day.

There is a pull for women to be “helpers” and “caretakers”. We have been taught that it is admirable to take care of others. This isn’t false (claims the licensed therapist). Caring for others is a positive attribute, which can be a slippery slope into pleasing which can slide right into not even knowing what you like to drink. Mothers are HORRIBLE at this! We take care of everyone and forget to eat, or drink or shower. The flight attendants even have to remind us to get the oxygen down and put it on so we can breathe long enough to help our children flying with us. Thanks Captain Obvious! However you know there must have been some poor mother on a flight to somewhere masking up all her kids before she got some oxygen for herself and Flight Attendant Frank had to come assist her. Now we all get to sit through the demonstration every single time we fly. I’m certain a mother is the cause of the rest of the flying population being instructed how to take care of themselves first.

I had to try something different. I was pissed off and exhausted. I forced myself to figure out who I was and what I liked. I forced myself to be alone and find out what made me happy. I picked up books that I liked. I took long baths. I laughed and I cried while I read those books. That time was only for me. I went to lunch by myself. I went to movies by myself. I found out that I enjoyed being around me and that bought me freedom. I didn’t NEED anyone else. I started spending time with other people because I wanted to, not because I thought I had to. My plan A was me. If you wanted to come along for the ride, so be it, but this was my ship and I was the captain. You enjoying yourself was a bonus – not for me but for you.

I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Sometimes I am hard to handle. And today, that is okay because all I can be is me. Now, I hit my own play button. My walk-up song changes. My choice adapts to whatever I need for that time. If it’s been a rough few weeks at work, I may need some extra motivation to get there for the day. For a week straight, I listened to Miranda Lambert’s Pink Sunglasses with pink sunglassess on as I drove into work. It put me in a mindset to have a good day even when work was the last place I wanted to be.

My current walk-up song is Lizzo “Good As Hell”. I scream it in the car on the way to work EVERY day. Her words remind me that I have a choice. Even on the days when I don’t feel it, that song tells me “take a deep breath, time to focus on you.” Lizzo is the Webster’s definition of self-love. I am just trying to follow her lead. She motivates me to be amazing, so when it is time for me to approach the plate, Lizzo leads my way.

Music moves me. It is therapeutic to my soul. I’m not the most talented dancer, however when I am in my car, in the shower, grooving with my daughters or getting dressed and ready to go, I’m a ginger-J-lo. Everyone should have a celebratory playlist in their head and there should be one go-to song that makes you feel like you just scored the winning touchdown of the Super Bowl. Who better than Queen-B? “Run the World (Girls)” is my wake-up song on my alarm, my time-to-kick-some-ass song and my yes-I-did song. Beyonce reminds me how amazing it is to be a women. She hits all the wonderful things I can do from giving birth to earning my degree. This song is THE celebration of women song so of course this is my jam for when I score touchdowns!

Although my walk-up songs and touchdown songs adapt to what I need, the important thing is that I keep having them because there was a time in my life when I did not. There was a time I didn’t even know what songs would describe me. Today I could write an entire blog with playlists after playlists of my jams and what they mean to me. Stevie Nicks, Kenny Chesney, Miranda Lambert, Brandi Carlile, Tom Petty, P!nk, Jimmy Buffett, Metallica, Outkast…again I could go on for days.

If you are reading this and you don’t have a walk-up song, stop what you are doing and figure it out right now! If it is a struggle, stop what you are doing and figure out who you are. What do you like? What is your favorite book? What’s your favorite meal? Have you ever been to the movies alone?

If not, why not? Chose a song and hit play.

Comment and let me know your walk-up song and touchdown celebration! I need some new additions to my playlist.

Photo Credit: Photography by Angela Gross