Present for 43

43. An age my father never saw. Outliving your parent is a strange feeling.

Living in a world they no longer exist in hurts. A certain level of fear comes with navigating life without the guidance of the man programed to protect me.

My father died very suddenly one night due to a blood clot in this lung at the age of 42. Nine days after my 14th birthday. One week after my mother turned 40.

In October last year, I was diagnosed with a blood blot. At the age of 42. The irony was not lost on me, however the anxiety exponentially multiplied. One of my first thoughts was, “are you kidding me?” The Universe enjoys surprising me.

This news forced me to examine everything. While testing and appointments and arguments with insurance ensued, I sat with my thoughts. I was the same age as my father when he died. I have two almost 14-year-old girls. I’m now fully aware I am not in control of what goes on in my own body much less the entirety of my life.

Sitting with my thoughts alone is a dangerous path to take, so good for me I have a killer support network. It was a wonderfully enlightened friend who suggested this was my chance to free myself from the fear I carried a majority of my life and accept life on life’s terms. I became open to finding the truth within myself, and accepting that right now, this moment is where life is. Not in the regrets of the past or the fears of the future.

Addressing the medical and physical dynamics of this diagnosis included blood work, multiple procedures and countless appointments. Taxing on my energy. However, the mental and emotional dynamics were continuous, non-stop and all-consuming drain on my daily functioning.

This experience took my enlightenment journey to a new awareness. It forced me to be honest with myself. To pull out my fears from the darkest parts of me and hold them out into the light. I found out there are parts of me I don’t like – parts of me I would rather keep hidden, however I am not pieces of a person. I am a whole person, darkness and light. Altogether beautiful – not only the shinny photo-ready parts.

I fell down.

I made mistakes even when I knew they were mistakes as I was making them.

I covered up.

I isolated.

All of which impacted people around me in a negative way. Not something I’m proud of.

I do not write to you from this euphoric location of enlightenment. I am not “fixed” and sitting on a high horse somewhere. I write to you from the mud – tripped up by a giant pothole. Drenched in failure and questioning all life’s choices. I’m in the middle of the struggle. Continuing on the path.

During my travels so far I’ve learned a simple, yet daring lesson on how I want to live. What I’ve found as the only way I have a chance at being happy and healthy. It takes vulnerability and energy and dedication. You must be brave enough to adapt and accept this way of life.

(Pause for dramatic effect)

Be present now.

That’s it. 

In this moment…

I am healthy.

I write from my make-shift-sick-bed on my couch at home on the other side of major surgery which provided me the solution to blood clots developing in my body, and have been granted freedom from the fear of what may come.

I have a warm house during this cold night.

I have a fridge full of food from friends & family who’ve taken care of me and mine these last few weeks.

I have a husband who literarily held me up when needed during my recovery.

I am breathing.

I am alive on the last night of 42, right now.

(See how I sprinkled gratitude in there without even writing the word).

As this posts, I turn 43 years old. I write that with gratitude and pride. I promise to live in the moment this year. And if I begin to time travel and seek out the anxiety, stress and pain caused by regrets from yesterday or fears for tomorrow, I also promise to be still until I find the moment again so I can live in it.

43 is good for me!  

*I want to give a special shout out to the medical professionals who walked me through this journey and fought for me to get a solution rather than pass me off and continue a treatment that would not have worked anyway. So grateful for the care you took for me!

Dr. Julie Ellis – who found the clot and hugged while I cried in fear of what was to come

Dr. Wangjian Zhong – who patiently explained everything, including the uniqueness of my cases and the possible unique cause and solution

Dr. Charles Bush III – who talked to me like he would his own sister & who found the evidence of my diagnosis which FINALLY secured my approval for surgery from the insurance company (after multiple denials)

Dr. Nabeel Gul – who kindly walked me through the entire surgery and the need for it, who personally called me to explain delays and what he was doing to advocate for me with the insurance company and who operated on me and went the extra step to ensure my care.

Geri at Dr. Gul’s office – who answered every call and message from me with kindness & who advocated for me all the way.

Courtlant, RN nightshift on 5E at Baptist Health – who hugged me through the pain & helped me fall asleep.

(I know there are many more of you who took amazing care of me I was medicated so well it effected my memory 😉

To all the medical staff at Baptist Health, I am so grateful for the care you took in my health. Every. Single. Person myself or my family interacted with was so kind and caring.

Thank you so very much for taking the very best care of me.

Best Christmas Picture Ever

The Most Wonderful Freaking Time of the Year

“Trust your gut. Forgive yourself. Be grateful.” – Cheryl Strayed

Oh the holidays! What a wonderful time! Forced family gatherings. Multiple ‘To Do’ lists from shopping to baking. Scheduling all the holiday activities to breakfast with Santa and driving all over town to see the festive lights. This is all in addition to your regularly scheduled programming of life. It’s fun, right?

Well, don’t you dare act like it is work – this is holiday freaking fun! You will do it and you will like it!

Whoa! Wait a minute! I’m not saying there aren’t fun moments, but let’s be honest. Life is rough on the regular! And in the next six weeks, we are going to slam some fun down your throat and expect you to get ‘er done with a smile on your face! Got it?!?

I call bullshit! Not bullshit on the holidays, but bullshit on the thought it is all fun and no work. My work schedule does not have an asterisk by it during the six-week holiday season. School isn’t on hold, at least for the entire time (which throws a whole other wrench in the plan, but that is for another post). We still have work, practice, school, require food and some sleep during this time and we are supposed to add in the holiday spirit without a glitch. Well…I. Call. Bullshit.

Shopping for outfits for an entire family that look presentable and ensuring they are clean is extra work. Coordinating schedules of said family and with another adult (aka photographer) in enough time to get a spot for the ‘mini-session’ then enough time to get pictures edited, create a holiday card, have cards shipped, addressed and mailed before the New Year is A LOT.

I am the mom that would die for my children, and in the same breath threaten to take their lives if they can’t act like they have some sense. My family can put on a hell of a Christmas card, and you can count on us keeping it real. To get my daughters to “dress up” with hair fixed the way I deem appropriate requires global-level negotiations. Mediation continues up until twenty minutes from departure time all the while tears and screaming on a continuous loop. By the time we are smiling for the camera, I have promised them Christmas in July, but we sure do make a pretty Christmas card.

Can we make a promise to ourselves this year? Please! Let’s be honest about the holidays. Let’s stop acting like everything is merry and bright and smells like cookies baking in the oven. The holidays are difficult. They are difficult on our checking accounts, our schedules, our sanity and our spirit.

For many of us, the holidays are a time of missing those who aren’t here anymore. Our nostalgic memories are filled with people we can no longer hold on to. The holidays can be a time of loneliness and pain, all the while watching the picture-perfect Hallmark movies set expectations of what the holidays are supposed to be (in 2 hours or less with commercials).

Instead of editing that social media post for thirty more minutes, reach out to someone and show kindness. Donate that thirty minutes to help someone else. Tell someone they mean something to you. Go to lunch with a friend who doesn’t have family. Make some necessity bags for people who have nothing. Instead of gifts for someone who has everything, do something for someone else without anything in return. And for the love of the Christmas tree, post some honesty, folks!

Post your kitchen after the baking is over. Tell stories in carpool to support each other, don’t give your holiday hit-list with everything your family is doing in matching tee-shirts. However, if your family is doing all the things in matching tee-shirts then GET IT GIRL, because it ain’t happening over here. We are lucky if everyone has clean underwear.

Let honesty and kindness guide us as we begin the countdown to crazytown and get swept away in joyfully-good-cheer.

I pledge show to some kindness this year and not post it to social media. I also pledge to post some truth to social media in the midst of the beautifulness of this joyful season.

We should celebrate the holidays. We all need time dedicated to our families and should be grateful that we have people to celebrate with. Our celebrations don’t have to be lined with glitter and bows. Our families are messy and should be celebrated anyway. Everyone has an Uncle Eddie (if you don’t know who I am referring to, then go watch Christmas Vacation- NOW- Stop reading and go!) and some of the best memories are made with an Uncle Eddie.

Since Christmas is now a two-month long celebration, can we take moment to breathe in middle of the whirlwind? Instead of dragging our assess across the finish line on the night of the 25th, take in the moments along the way. The smiles and wonderment of you children growing up right before your eyes. The tears and remembrance that comes with missing and honoring those we love who are gone. The laughter that ignites when we epically fail at finding the perfect gift. The peace that comes with times of solitude and reflection over another year coming to an end.

Take the smiles, the tears and laughs as they come because you are not guaranteed any holidays. The gift is that you get to keep on moving forward and that you have people who care enough to annoy you each and every year.

Good luck collecting the moments!

If you want to help and need direction of where to start, below is a great organization in need of necessity bags for victims of human trafficking. This group does amazing work! My family will be helping this year.

Women of the Well Ministry

If you don’t have time to shop and still want to help here is their Venmo account:

@WowMinisty