Unemployed Taxi Driver

It’s the end of an era.

I’ve been relieved of my duties.

I no longer have to live out of my car. The goldfish crumbs have been vacuumed out. No more finger-print-smiley-faces on the back windows. I no longer referee the continuous fight over “my turn” in the front seat. While there was never a meter, the miles I tick off are solo ones and my playlist blasts the speakers as I sing alone. The bones of my schedule are no longer kept by plans & whims of minors.

I’m free. (Violently sobs)

Yes, I know. You might want to remind me I’ve been dreaming of this day. The day I get to come straight home after work or go meet my friends for dinner without juggling carpool duties.

When my plans get top billing in my calendar, rather than fitting them in on an off day from my taxi responsibilities.

What I didn’t process or devote thought to was this all too familiar feeling of detachment. Oh yes, I recognize it…my first exposure was on the first day of preschool when my babies went running off into a stranger’s classroom with smiles on their faces while the office staff offered me tissues. I’ve also felt this feeling when I handed two sleeping bags to a very kind Girl Scout leader who assured me she would take care of these girls like her own (doubt it echoed in my mind even though she was as sweet and capable as can be). And again this hallowed gut took me for a ride the morning my girls stepped onto a bus to head to the far away land of Chicago for 3 days without me.

This is not new territory! Except now they are driving with the rest of the unconscious lunatics on the road without my voice reminding them to “BREAK”.

The conflict of this new land of equal parts terror and liberation is crippling. I’ve always enjoyed my alone time, however alone time usually occurred when my daughters were safely tucked away somewhere rather than rolling down the highway.

I haven’t even addressed the worst part. It has recently come to my attention that these children I’ve been driving around all over the city & country will be living an entire life all on their own in less than 2 years.

How the *%#k is that possible?!

Why did no one prepare me for this?

From the time you tell someone you are pregnant, the free, unsolicited advice faucet begins to flow with no shut-off valve. People were so focused on:

“you’ll never sleep again”

“breast-fed or bottle”

“co-sleeping or not”

“better find a good school”

“year-around sports or tutors”

Everyone forgot to mention “by the way, these babies who need you for everything are just on loan, they aren’t even really yours, they belong to themselves, so don’t get too attached because they will drive away from you one day and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Well too damn late!

A dear friend of mine recently told me she remembers who I was before being a mother better than I do. I could not argue. I’ve spent the last 16 and half years with the hat of motherhood on a majority of the time. This is not a martyr moment, just one of awareness and pride. Being a mom is my greatest accomplishment. I am proud of how hard I “mom” and how I manage this role. The work & dedication required to be the mom I wanted to be is my accomplishment. I did that. I set the table for them to be who they are. And I am so very proud of that. Who my daughters are, are not the accomplishment. That is their accomplishment, not mine.

I am starting to remember who I was too. I remember I am a woman who enjoys her own company. I am a reader. A writer. An advocate. I love going to the movies and being outdoors. I am a wife who enjoys hanging with her husband. I am a good friend to have who loves being around the ones I love. I have a lot of hats that have been waiting for me to put back on or to try on for the first time. I remember I have a lot left to accomplish all on my own.

So I find myself at yet another transition. I am an unemployed taxi driver. I have a set of skills and a service that is no longer employable. When we are faced with change, we have a choice on how to manage:

  1. Fight it. Wish for what used to be. Shutdown.
  2. Accept it. Find gratitude for the process and experiences you were privileged to have. Open your mind to the new possibilities.

After the shock of being fired from my driving responsibilities has worn off, I’ve found new ways to spend my time. I’ve found new ways to connect with daughters since windshield time is few and far between. I continue to stalk Life360, but not as much as I did week one of living with 2 new drivers.

As I look toward the next 2 years and wonder how in the world I am going to handle when these girls drive away to a new home where I do not live, I am reminded of what my friend told me about stages in parenting. She said that I am not ready for this, because it is not time yet. She gave me the gift of patience when anxiety tries to take control. When we aren’t ready for something, it usually means it’s not time yet. And…if it IS time, trust yourself because you are ready for it.

I take a deep breath and practice mindfulness today because tonight they will sleep under the same roof as me and we get many more moments together before any of us are ready for that transition. Maybe now that I’ve experienced this loss, I can let myself collect the experiences and time necessary for my next job loss and embrace the possibilities that may bring too.

Hindsight Is 50/50

The saying is hindsight is 20/20, meaning you can look back down the history of your path and see the choices you made with the clarity of today. It becomes temptingly easy to judge your previous self with the knowledge you have today, picking apart each turn you took because you can see the outcomes waiting for you just around the corner.

“If I would’ve known.”

“I should’ve done better.”

“It could’ve been different.”

These thoughts can haunt us and ultimately erode the trust we have in ourselves to make sound and wise decisions.

So that’s the thing…how can we know for certain we would do anything different even with the eagle eye of hindsight available to us? We can hope that we would practice as Maya Angelou taught us, to do better when we know better. However, if mistakes are our best teachers, then what fun is making the “right” choice every time?

I know I’ve spent far too much of my life worrying about doing it the right way. I practiced caution and made careful choices so I could keep my side of the street clean and with the quiet hope that if I did what I was supposed to do, bad things wouldn’t happen. A superstitious way to live I guess, but it did provide me with comfort in very uncertain times in my life. However, this comforting coping strategy didn’t allow for me to question who determined the “right way” or the possibility of my “right way” not being the only “right way”.

While yes, there are many choices I made along the way that I can now look back with a shaking head in my hands and acknowledge my poor judgement in the moment. Also, many of those poor choices led to lessons I needed to make a better (not right) choice at a later crossroad.

I am a former smoker. I smoked for 14 years and only quit because I wanted to have children. I loved smoking even though I knew how terrible it was for me. When I quit, it was one of the most difficult changes I ever made. It was only then I realized how dumb it was for me to pick up that first cigarette just because everyone else was doing it. Today, I would give that girl a hug and whisper in her ear, “you are enough. Don’t try to make yourself small to fit in. This is gonna be a bitch to quit one day.”

14 years later that choice caused me so much grief as I tried to quit. It took multiple attempts to finally put down my Marlboro Lights for good. Each time I tried, I would get anxiety from the thought I would never have another cigarette. I would never smell the smoke of a freshly lit cigarette or feel the relief from the first exhale. So I would pick up where I left off the day before and light another one. It was only until I adopted a lesson I heard in Al-anon that I was able to finally put down the lung darts and let them go.

Al-anon has a saying “just for today.” It releases me from worrying about never smoking again, because it only requires me to stay in this day. Each morning, I would begin the day with the promise that I would not smoke just for today. I gave myself permission to think that I could possibly smoke tomorrow or even next week if I wanted to, but just for today I would not. After I put together a few independent days, I looked around and realized I was capable of finding relief elsewhere and I no longer required that crutch.

I still tell my daughters that lighting up that first cigarette was the dumbest decision, because it was the most difficult choice to put back down. I am not ashamed of that choice because that choice taught me a lesson I use all the time. Just for today. While I already knew that mantra, I didn’t understand how to use it and I had never let it give me the permission I needed to not be perfect and to give myself some grace.

Al-anon says, “Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.”

There are so many moments in my life that I can examine through the lens of today’s wisdom and question my why or wonder what could’ve been if I would’ve gone left instead of right. However, that doesn’t solidify I would actually do anything different. Maybe hindsight is actually 50/50 on whether one would change their path if they knew they were destined to fall. Maybe there is just as much chance I would continue on the same path and making the same choices even if it would cause me pain. Today, I don’t have to judge myself for that.

So I will continue to try to do more right than wrong, learn from the falls and not judge my past based on what I know to be true, just for today.

Pumpkin Patch Lessons

There was an ongoing joke in my family that I couldn’t keep anything alive. For a long time, I was known as the “black thumb”. Whether it was the richness of fall mums, a full of color of spring hanging baskets or wild flowers in my yard each would meet an early demise by my hand. All the while, my mother, always maintained a lush oasis in her yard continuously adding to the beautiful landscape. My narrative to support my alibi ranged from “I don’t have time,” to “I don’t care enough to put in the effort.” All logical, but these were also excuses to support my need to avoid failure.   

A couple of years ago I decided I was going to change my identity from a black thumb to green thumb. Granted, at this time I couldn’t even keep a succulent alive. However, I wanted to make some big changes in my life, so I decided to start with my identity around taking care of what’s important. I had recently left a good paying, stable job to work for myself which was equally terrifying as it was exciting. I was struggling with the unrealistic illusion of control in the work/life balance game. I felt like a failure at every turn. I needed to literally ground myself (pun intended) in an action I could control.

In the fall of 2023, I bought two succulent plants and I set the intention of not only keeping them alive but finding a way to let them thrive under my care. I think there are so many times in life that we adopt identities assigned to us by other people. Whether accurate or not, we give power to a single idea about who we are as a person. Though, I believe we are much more complicated and unique that one idea or opinion. I knew I was much more than a plant killer.

I took a look at what I knew about myself:

  1. I loved and cared for three dogs who had passed on. I currently care for two who are very lucky they are cute for all the ruckus they cause. Our little odd couple of a hound dog and border collie are not hanging with bare necessities, but living their best lives with better sleeping arrangements and diets than some humans.
  2. I carried and gave birth to healthy twin girls. After 11 days in the NICU, the care of those babies was entrusted to my husband and I. The anxiety and disbelieve must have been splattered on our faces as we loaded the car with fresh car seats filled with sleeping babies because the nurse smiled confidently and said “it will be fine. You all got this.” The fast forward to our daughter’s first birthday when Matt and I high-fived congratulating each other in unison, “we did it for a whole year and they are still alive!”
  3. As much as I hate it, I learn best from failure. I don’t learn when I’m good at something automatically. AND when I let go of my ego and practice vulnerability, I have the potential to create something that brings me joy.
  4. I’m not afraid of hard work. When I set the intention of creating peace and purpose in my day, its impossible to regret whatever effort is required to get there.

After a long winter of watching, watering and talking to my succulent plants, they survived. There were some touch and go moments, but those plants survived under my care. I kept one plant close to my work station which made dark and dreary days more bearable. I gained the confidence to get some plants for outside my house. I bought my favorite herbs, lavender and sage, and some pretty begonias and marigolds for around my pool and my front porch. During the scorching days in the thick of summer, I thanked and praised those flowers for sticking with me even when I had times I was neglectful when life got in the way.

The winter of 2024 I kept the original succulents alive. This time they didn’t just survive, they thrived and I was so very proud. During that year, I continued on my new adventure in my career which had similar results from a series of educational setbacks and momentum-harnessing wins. I had to take a look at who I wanted to be and what self-limiting beliefs I needed to shed in order to authentically show up as that person. Throughout that year, I kept practicing the things I knew were good for me just as I cared for the plants; I prioritized my self-care because I have a choice in caring for myself.

As my birthday rolled around in late winter of 2025, I decided I wanted to take on the challenge of planting a garden. On Mother’s Day, my husband helped me prep the ground with fertilizer we planted an entire garden in my backyard. We planted everything from pumpkins to potatoes, the majority of which came from seed.

After the initial planting was complete, I realized how much work this was going to be but I remembered that I had already learned so much about thriving rather than surviving that I changed my perspective of resentment of the work this garden would require to the perspective of gratitude for the tasks I have in this garden. 

When I am overwhelmed with lack of control, I go pull weeds in the garden because that is well within my control and it dissolves the frustration I tend to harbor. I walk barefoot in the garden to ground myself in the moment and let go of the anxiety around what might come. I talk to these plants and practice gratitude for the growth and harvest I get to enjoy. This garden has created a space for me to sit still, be quiet and watch. This summer, I have gained more peace from literally watching plants grow than I have had since we moved in almost 9 years ago.

One morning before the sun had fully risen and mist still lingered over the warm ground, I watched a sprout from my pumpkin vine pop up and rotate slowly in a circle as it reached for something to grab onto. I got to witness this small but precious part of the life of my pumpkin vine, because I was still. Each morning, I go out to the swing by my garden and sit still and quiet while I enjoy my coffee. I’ve been able to see hummingbirds come inches from me as they enjoy my cannon lilies and watched bright and brilliant red cardinal birds chase each other around while listening to their beautiful song.

I literally changed my identity over the span of two years. I left a job that I was comfortable with but not healthy in to go out on a limb with hope for more. I continued to reach around and strive for connection and something to hold onto. It was a lonely and liberating process as I searched for direction. When I found a good spot, I held on and pulled up as I got stronger and began to blossom in a new space. I grew trust in myself again. I shed the identify of who I was to become who I am. I’m a self-employed green thumb now. When we feel stuck, we have the ability to change our perspective. We can move from fear to gratitude. We can move from nervous to excited. We can learn from our failures to improve our experience moving forward. We can take action when it is within our reach. We can become a green thumb as long as we are willing to put in the work to do so. I never would have guessed how much I could learn from watching plants grow and how much I can relate to a pumpkin vine doing what it was created to do

Imposture Syndrome

“Who do you think you are?”

“You are not smart enough.”

“Stay in your lane.”

“You are not good enough.”

“No you cannot.”

“You are NOT a writer.”

An actual recreation of the dialogue in my head during a battle of the dreaded imposture syndrome.

            As a therapist, many may think I am immune to some struggles. Maybe you think since I “know better” I do not wrestle with the questioning voice in my head as the rest of the human race. I am here today to bust that myth. I too suffer from imposture syndrome.

            If you are unfamiliar with this expression, let me give you a lesson because I bet your lack of experience with the phrase is less about not suffering from the symptoms and more about not having a term to describe it.

Imposture syndrome begins with a whisper of doubt. Many times this symptom presents itself when one is trying something new or going out on a limb with an innovative idea. The whisper may be easy to shake off at first, however the slightest acknowledgement provides the necessary energy for the whisper of doubt to grow into declarations of uncertainty. Before you know it, one can then find themselves engaged with an internal battle of constant destructive and discouraging narratives that gain enough momentum to have the power to shut down the novel innovation so that the individual remains stuck in their safe comfort zone of the same.

Strike a nerve yet?

I began writing my novel ten years ago. I wrote it because I love to write and I had a story to share. As recent as October 2024, when my novel was published on Amazon, I still struggled to claim the identity of being a writer. I continue to fight imposture syndrome.

I am a therapist (I have no problem letting that roll of my tongue or allowing my fingers to type). I have a degree in social work. I hold a license to practice therapy with multiple states. I have held jobs with title of “therapist”. Therapist is not a self-proclamation. The fact still remains, I am a therapist because I practice therapy. However, it has taken me years to accept that I am also a writer simply because I write.

When I worked nights in the emergency psychiatric unit at University Hospital, I would use downtime to work on my novel. I actually took that job so I would have more time to juggle being a mother, a wife and a social worker so I could write. I remember when one of the nurses, who happens to be the very first person to finish the very first version of my novel and remains a good friend to me today, caught me writing one night when our census was low. She asked what I was working on and I stuttered all over myself trying to come up with a feasible answer other than “I am writing a book.”

Once I professed this secret, there were no imposture police ready at the helm to call me out and no buzzer sounding off alerting everyone that I was not a “real” writer. My friend appeared genuinely excited to learn this about me and wanted to read what I had written. When I was vulnerable, the imposture syndrome symptoms were kept at bay.

Imposture Syndrome is rooted in fear. That fear can stem from fear of judgement from others to fear of failure. Unfortunately, we are all guilty of acting out of fear and the results rarely work out as we intended. Fear is no place to function from.

So what do we do? How do we begin to recover from this sinister syndrome? What is our weapon against this infectious self-doubt?

Radical self-acceptance.

That’s it.

A simple but not easy practice of fully accepting who you are in this moment. The willingness to be vulnerable and the practice of acceptance is the remedy for imposture syndrome.

Acceptance is not reserved for only the good stuff. Acceptance also allows us to acknowledge the flawed parts of us along with the shiny parts we are proud of. We are not required to like something or someone to accept them in their true form. This rule also reigns true for ourselves. 

The act of being vulnerable allows us to show up as our rawest selves. No filters. No explanations. We are fully present and fully us. Though, this does not protect us from criticism or struggle to claim who we are. This does not guarantee we will be fully accepted by anyone other than us. Vulnerability does not require validation from anyone else. (That doesn’t mean it isn’t nice to receive though).

There is no absolute cure for all the symptoms of imposture syndrome. Some may lie dormant for years, but given the right circumstances they can kick into high gear and return to wreak havoc on your thoughts. The maintenance plan of acceptance and vulnerability are the best defense to keeping your thoughts free from doubting yourself. Let’s all take a look at chatter going on in our minds and the words we use especially about ourselves.

I am who I am because I say I am (period).

What Are You Missing with Skipping?

Do you hit “skip intro” when you stream a show? Or even skip the recap?

Do you chose watching 15-second reels instead of the whole movie just to get a gist of the plot?

Do you prefer to read a book or a blog? No judgement- blogs are great 😉

Have you thought about the pace in which we intake information and entertainment?

Recently a friend brought to my attention the difference in a show that was written and filmed to be watched episodically rather than binged and it got me thinking about how I intake everything.

I am currently watching a show that has been released episodically and the series finale is coming up this week. With this knowledge I found myself intentionally watching the intro, listening to the song and going through the recap every week. Why? I believe because I am savoring the end of something I enjoy. I want to revel in the small details and be intentional about enjoying the full story of characters I’ve grown to love.

This got me thinking…what if I implemented this in other areas of my life?

What if I was intentional about the food I eat? The glass of wine I enjoy?

What would happen if I savored the interactions with my family and friends in the same way I am with fictional characters of a show that is ending?

Would I be more intentional if I knew this would be my last glass of pinot noir or peanut butter and chocolate ice cream cake?

And what if I knew it was the last time I got to hug my mother? Or laugh with my friends or kiss my husband?

Many years ago I met a very wise older lady who taught me a lot about relationships and how navigate my emotions rather than let my emotions control me. I was mad at my husband…more like furious…I vented for as long as the breath in me would allow and ran out. And when I gasped for air to begin again, she replied, “you know what I think you should do?”

“Well, of course I would like to know! Why do you think I am here and out of breath?”

She smiled kindly with a little hint of sass and told me, “I would treat him like you knew it was his last day on earth.”

Of course I hated that answer! I wanted justice for however I felt he had wronged me. However, this woman I respected and learned so much from had never led me wrong before so I huffed and shook my head in agreement and went home and did as she told me. The thought of his last day brought tears to my eyes. I was mad at him but today I don’t even remember why, but nothing was more important than loving him.

I’ve used that filter for my thoughts more than once over the years and it still guides me in the right direction each time.

I’ve lost people I love. That pain has filleted me wide open and takes much effort to begin to heal. Since I know this pain, I know the importance of being intentional with my time and my love. This is not a perfect practice for me, though it is one I strive for.

Today I write this post from my desk at my bedroom window watching the snow cover my street. I have plenty I need to get accomplished, however Mother Nature had other plans. I intentionally turned my desk so I could watch the snow come down while I worked. I am intentionally slowing down and hibernating a bit. Maybe that is what Mother Nature’s intention was with this huge snow fall.

I started a new novel a couple of days ago knowing this storm was coming so I could sit and read rather than scroll social media aimlessly. (I’m almost finished with it-The Housemaid is fantastic).

I watched a movie with my husband without screening the highlights on reels.

I cooked a meal for my family, which is not something I usually enjoy, however this time I reminded myself how grateful I am to have a family to cook for, in a home with power and heat and ingredients that I can afford.

I sat down to write this post with the intention of sharing that while life gives a lot to juggle, and rather than “having” to do it, maybe it’s helpful to remember that I “get” to do it. Also, just because life happens fast and we try to shove as much as we can into every second does not mean you don’t have the option to slow down and be present.

This week I will watch the finale of my show along with the intro and probably sing the theme song I know by heart and even watch the credits because I want to experience this end with intention. Entertainment and art are important creations made with intention. I plan to be more present with this.

There is so much power in intention when I chose to take the time to practice it.

Defying Gravity

I, like many, went to the movies to witness Wicked on the big screen. I’ve seen the Broadway show two times before with my mother and daughters. I can barely hear the song Defying Gravity without tears streaming down my face and clenched fists as I mouth the words to the closing line (it’s empowering…I suggest you look it up, give it a listen and try not to do the same thing). However, this is not a post with the purpose of reviewing the adaptation. (It was absolutely phenomenal for the record, tears and all!).

The beautiful lessons woven throughout the story are not new to anyone.

  1. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
  2. Not everything is as it seems.
  3. Those in power are not always to be trusted.
  4. Be kind first.

The lesson that was specifically stated in the movie and one that hit so hard for me was a direct quote. “The best way to bring folks together, is to give them a really good enemy.”

As an avid sports fan and a die-hard Louisville Cardinal fan, I have a lot of hate for opposing teams, particularly the Kentucky Wildcats. I enjoy sharing my hate for the Wildcats with other Louisville fans so the idea is not far-fetched or one I have not participated in. The reality of people needing an enemy to come together is terrifying and plays out more often than we care to believe.

Giving a target to aim your blame may feel comforting in the moment. It allows you to relinquish your responsibility. Blaming someone else for what happens to you is a get out of jail free card. The lack of accountability lifts the weight of self-reflection and acceptance.

That is not to say that you are to blame for everything that has happened to you. Life just happens. We are dealt cards all the time that are not of our choosing, but it does not mean someone else is to blame. There are struggles and hardships that are blameless, which can be the most frustrating of all.

I’ve found that when I function out of fear, I give myself a false start. Fear pushes me in the wrong direction and limits my options immediately. Fear’s purpose is self-preservation which is very helpful when my life is in danger. However, fear does not account for multiple choice. Fear forces me to the option that has the highest chance of my survival. However, survival is not always my focus. What if I prefer to thrive instead?

Let’s take a quick look back at the other four lessons from wicked. If I do not assume or judge someone based on what they look like and function with the understanding that everything is not always as it seems and realize that just because someone in power proclaims it that does not ensure it is the truth and most importantly when in doubt I practice kindness, there is no room left for fear.

This is not a new tactic to use nor a new lesson to learn. So why are we still using and learning this lesson over and over again?

We do not live in Pleasantville and I am not PollyAnna. We do not have to support, enjoy or even like everyone. I have people I hate. Hate takes energy, but sometimes I believe that energy is well spent. What I know to be true is, I can trust myself in knowing when it is time to let go of the hate. Hate alone doesn’t affect the focus of my energy. If I hate someone without action, they may walk around in blissful ignorance without a thought of me or my hate for them.

It’s when people take action on their hate that pulls us into a war we did not necessarily signup for. Being assigned an enemy and taking action is how actual war is engaged. Let’s take notice on how those assigning the enemies don’t actually ever seem to be doing any of the “hating” or fighting. Interesting…

(Another great quote from the musical/movie: Elphaba says to the Wizard “You have no real power.” – they never do, do they?)

I will continue my fair share of trash-talking when it comes to sports. It’s fun with no real hate for the individual I am talking to. I do plan to check myself and my motivations for how I look at others. Without guidance would we ever even look at people through the filter of us-vs-them? How many people even realize the notion of being “them” to your “us”?

There is a difference in not understanding someone and hating someone (or a group of someones). Just because I do not understand something, doesn’t mean it is wrong or opposing to me. While I trust myself, I may need to filter my thoughts and emotions through another great quote from the show Ted Lasso. “Be curious, not judgmental.”

I will try listening to understand and refrain from engaging in war just because I’m afraid or I’ve been assigned an enemy. I will look for ways to connect with others based on our humanness rather than hatred. One of my favorite ways to do that is through art, like after a really great movie that moved me to tears.  

Best Christmas Picture Ever

Shocking news…The Holidays are Tough

As we approach this week and kick off the holiday season, my stress levels begin to bubble and rise along with the amount of times Mariah Carey is played on the radio. The increase in extended family time with people I love but do not interact with on the regular as well as the search for gifts to simply fill a spot on my shopping list are added to my ruminating thoughts playlist that kicks off around 3am.

With so much to do, who has time to enjoy this most wonderful time of the year? NO ONE!

My unpopular opinion of the desire to fast-forward to January 2nd is on the rise. Many of us are tired of the hurry up, keep buying, smile-and-hug-people-I-haven’t-seen-since-last-year and for-the-love-of-god-take-the-picture themes of the holiday season. We shove so much into these few weeks that we begin the new year exhausted, broke and bloated.

As someone who is not a fan of winter, I am trying to embrace the hibernating bear lifestyle (turn inward and rest). The pressure of the perfect holiday shoves me right out of resting bitch face and directly into elevated anxiety bitch face. Holiday commercials suggest that throwing a bow on anything makes it all better. Well, a bow on a pile of crap is still a pile of crap.

And let’s not forget what the holidays also highlight…those who are not here with us to celebrate. For many of us, there are empty chairs at the dinner table and stockings with no owners. We have a hole in traditions that cannot be filled and that is hard to swallow along with all of the cheer.

What if we turned it down a notch? Maybe there is a little less on the calendar and a little more time to be present. Maybe it is not about the perfect gift, but maybe sharing gratitude that you get to be together. There are many reasons why families spend the holidays apart. Whether by choice or necessity, so many struggle with being present for all the presents. Let’s avoid making asses out of ourselves by assuming everyone is joyfully spending this time of year together.

So maybe this year the theme is cheerful acceptance. Acceptance for the moment and what that entails, the good and even the uncomfortable. Having 25 people in a two-bedroom condo (this was how we did the holidays with my husband’s grandmother years ago) is not comfortable, however today I think back fondly on those sweaty meals because she is gone now and I miss her. She was the happiest person there having all of her people crammed together and celebrating. It wasn’t comfortable, but it did not harm anyone and her home was full of love, good food and laughter.

Acceptance of boundaries. Maybe forcing our kids to sit on the lap of a strange man in a costume, telling him their greatest desires and smiling is not the best lesson. Maybe if they say they are uncomfortable or afraid we can try a new approach. With the same token, maybe we can speak out what we need whether it is excusing ourselves a little early from the festivities or staying home altogether. We do not have to abide by the unwritten rules of the season if those rules do not serve us. This is less about getting our way or not and more about listening to each other respecting the fact that no single person knows best of all.

I vow to be mindful this season. I will be present in the moment. I will respect the wishes and desires of others. I promise to listen to understand rather than to respond. I will ask for what I need. I will prioritize my needs so I can show up when and where I can in the way I want to.

It does not have to be the most wonderful time of the year for me to celebrate and enjoy the time of year. I can survive and advance and relish in the normalcy of today rather than the glitter of unrealistic expectations.

I wish you the holiday season you need!

Brain Fog

I’ve been walking around in a state of fog. Words struggle to find each other. Straining to form a complete thought. Anxiety takes over and I shut down. The brain fog of anxiety and depression rolls in heavy and hangs low.

I live on the outskirts of the city, not quite country but with plenty of room for fog to roam along with the intuitive deer that I love to watch from my front porch. When I leave my house with heavy fog and the sky still dark, I go slow. I change the head light setting on my car to help me navigate the fog. I stay alert and mindful of what’s going on around me. I do this for my safety, the protection of whoever is in the car with me and for my spirit animals (the deer).

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had multiple clients report brain fog as a symptom of anxiety and depression. Clients feeling as though they cannot make decisions. Folks struggling to carry on conversations or even function in their days. I too felt that strain this last week and it is terrible.

The blanket of despair covered me with heavy clouds of “who cares” sprinkled with “what’s the point”. When I had simple decisions to make about minimal issues, I felt stuck and could not make the choice. At one point, I just laid on the couch and watched a rerun of a show I’ve seen about 1200 times because I wanted comfort rather than to be entertained. The weight of the fog pulled me down and I let it. I sat in it.

I know feelings and emotions. I process all the feelings and all the emotions every day of my life for a living. I know the importance of having awareness and acknowledgement of feelings. I preach all the time about acknowledging how we feel and sitting in the uncomfortable feelings to allow them to do their job. However…it’s not so easy when the shoe (or emotion in this case) is on my foot.

I do not like feeling helpless, hopeless, angry and sad. I do not like “sitting it in” and letting the feelings do their job because it is uncomfortable. Feelings exist for a reason and if we run away from them before they have a chance to do what they are intended to, those uncomfortable feelings will follow us and we will lose any control we had over how those feelings manifest in our lives.

Have you ever had road rage or unloaded on someone who didn’t deserve it? Have you ever found yourself in tears for “no good reason”? (That is the effect of not letting uncomfortable feelings do their job – that is loss of control.)

So, when the uncomfortable comes. I will listen to my own words and sit in the shit. I will let sadness, anger, helplessness and pain do their business. I will have awareness of their presence and acknowledge their purpose (even when I do not know their purpose). I will not run away and avoid the pain. BUT I will also not stay there forever. I will not succumb to pain, only learn from it. Then, I will dose it with the best antidote…gratitude. I may even find gratitude for the uncomfortable which teaches me lessons to help me later.

And as the fog begins to lift (as well as my ass off the couch), I will push forward, change my headlight setting back to normal and I will keep going. I will take with me the lessons and I will be ready to do it again when the fog rolls in. And the fog will return because life is tough and pain is inevitable and each time I learn more to help me and those around me when we need it. And for that I have gratitude.

My Mind’s Highway and How I Travel

I prefer anger over grief. Anger gives me the illusion of control. “I am mad and let me tell you why!”

I have been known to hang on to grudges like tiny little birds. I keep them safely tucked away in their cages preventing the process of acceptance from occurring and letting go of what hurt me.

I am a great scorekeeper. I know who did what to me along with the date and location of injury. If I am angry, you earned it. These grudges were a direct result of me being in control rather than being taken advantage of. It is my god-given right to hold on and be mad. (Unfortunately, I am not referring to a time long, long ago…I am still evolving).

Anger is much easier to feel than grief.

Grief creeps up and tackles me out of nowhere. Grief does not have to give reasons for its presence, it just shows up and takes control over me. Grief is all consuming and irrational and messy.

Try catching a glimpse of yourself after an ugly cry. It’s not my best look.

Grief comes in many forms of feelings…sadness, anger, fear, and even shock. Grief is also not limited to death. Loss produces grief. The loss of someone. The loss of a way of life. The loss of something important to us whether anyone else can understand or not.

So why does it matter which we are experiencing? Grief or Anger? It matters because unless we are honest with ourselves and acknowledge our true emotions it is more difficult to find peace and healing. To go a step further, if we cannot find peace and healing then we will continue to compound each injury and amount of pain until we are ready to unload or implode. Neither of which are great options.

Our thoughts, much like our feelings, run through our minds like a highway. One thought followed by the next with no filter of facts. That is our job. Thoughts do not equal truths. We are responsible for examining our thoughts by holding them up to the light of reality to avoid the hamster wheel of spiraling into the abyss of overthinking and drowning in emotions.

This is NOT to say we are not entitled to our individual thoughts and feelings about everything, however do we really want to walk around with just our perspective? Our way of thinking about a situation is the only way? (Not that it wouldn’t be nice for a while, but how boring for any real length of time).

Acceptance does not require us to like whatever it is. We can be sad or mad or afraid or annoyed AND still accept life on life’s terms. When we can find a place of acceptance, we are better able to trust our thoughts and feelings. It is easier to find the light of reality and hold up whatever comes through our mind’s highway. The best part is finding peace and healing becomes actual options rather than far off lands of enlightenment we believe to be unachievable.

So how do you accept life on life’s terms? Do I have to just lay down and let life happen to me?

Absolutely not!

You can, however, change the things you can and let go of those you cannot. That is accepting life on life’s terms.

If something is bothering you, find a place to take action to change it. I may not have control over the United States Supreme Court and the decisions they make about what I can and cannot do with my body (which I feel anger, sadness, and fear about). I do have control over my response and reactions to their decisions. I have the power and ability to advocate for change and protest what I disagree with. I can educate my daughters on the importance of voting and being an active member in society.

On a smaller scale, I get pissed when people I trust disappoint me. I get angry (and sad) and I do not have control over how other people treat me. I do have control over who I let in my life and who I spend time with. I can find acceptance and even peace with people who have hurt me and grieve that loss as I heal.

When you are feeling overwhelmed and unsure of your emotions and maybe even distrustful of your thoughts, stop and take a moment to examine your mind’s highway. Be honest with yourself.

I would much rather be angry with someone who hurt me and call my girlfriends and tell them all about why I am mad and how I plan to harbor this resentment from now until the end of time. Though, if I am honest about what I am feeling I can acknowledge I grieve what I thought was friendship and the person I trusted. I accept that their behavior, not their words show me who they are, and I have choices on who I let in my life. That is life on life’s terms and that is the path to peace for me. I chose to travel that way.

And…Try Five for Five

Have you ever seen Parks and Recreation Tom and Donna’s “Treat Yo Self” day? If not, here is a brief backstory: two work friends literally do whatever they want for an entire day (it’s a great show – I highly recommend). Massages, shopping, extravagant dinners and cake are always involved. This practice is high octane self-care! And I love it!

However, it is ONE day in the year.

What happens when the day after Treat Yo Self day you have ten meetings and 200 emails with a sick kid and car trouble?

We must find ways throughout the day to dissolve the stress that comes with living. Self-care can be mini escapes or just pause buttons to ground ourselves in the moment because that is really all we have is this one moment at a time.

When I am drowning in stress and overwhelmed, change is a comforting thought. I know it cannot remain this way.

When I am relaxing on the beach without access to email knowing this cannot last forever, I am grateful for the moment and I ground myself in it so I don’t miss out.

How do I accomplish this you might ask…one technique I use is Five for Five. For five minutes, I go through my five senses and observe each in the moment. Best case scenario I do this outside, however my work environment doesn’t always allow for this and I do not have a window so I work with the surroundings I have. It really is that simple.

What do I see? Maybe the clouds if I am lucky or the sun shining bright. In my office, I see pictures of my daughters, flowers and a rainbow of colors.

What do I hear? In my office, I hear a white noise machine that sounds like ocean waves. Maybe I walk outside and hear a bird chirping.

What do I taste? In the morning, probably coffee with vanilla creamer or in between sessions wintergreen gum.

What do I smell? Most of the time my office has lavender floating around. Outside I might smell the fresh, brisk winter air or even the smell of rain rolling in.

What do I feel? How does that earth feel under my feet (this is when I usually question my shoe choice for the day)? Maybe chilly during the winter months or a flushed face after a tough meeting or session. I can also feel excited after good news or frustrated when things don’t go my way.

Going through this process puts me in this exact moment. I cannot time travel to the past or “what-if” myself into the future if I am focused on this moment and my senses.

That is the pause button that allows me time to breathe. That is self-care. That is grounding. That is dissolving the stress enough to take on what’s next. That is a practice I can do ten times a day if needed. Even though “Treat Yo Self” day is WONDERFUL, I also need to ground myself every day and maybe multiple times in a morning. Don’t stop Treating Yo Self, just start Grounding Yo Self too! Take 5 for 5 and give it a whirl.